Idea Stolen From A Friend

A list of 25 things I want to do before I turn 25 (in no paticular order).

1. Go to Thailand

2. Go on a vacation (missions and camps do not count)

3. Read the Bible in chronological order

4. Take another sign language class

5. Loose 20lbs (at least)

6. Write more handwritten "snail mail" letters to people

7. Write 5 poems (at least) that I actually like

8. Read an entire commentary

7. Dream more

8. Spend an entire 24 hours without any electronics

9. Spend an entire 24 hours in completely silent solitude (no music, no talking, no phone, etc)

10. Actually obtain my BA degree even though I graduated (finish my 2 stinking classes left)

11. Visit another state Ive never been to before

12. Learn to feel God's presence with me at work

13. Pray for my parents' salvation more

14. Write creatively more

15. Completely organize all of my digital pictures

16. Take more pictures

17. Do something with the pictures I take

18. Get a CD player for my car

19. Taste a food Ive never heard of yet

20. Learn to put on makeup

21. Try something Ive never done before

22. Fix my old laptop

23. Teach someone something new

24. Personally pray with 25 people (at least) to receive either salvation or their prayer language

25. Pray for the physical healing of people more

And That My Friends, Is My Life

So it's a long story but I got all day, plenty of time to kill, some anger to burn off and no where to go. Thanksgiving. How did I know? Cause I know what alcohol does to people. Absolutely changes them and never for the good. So my parents are being stubborn and impatient and cant wait 10 mins (no seriously 10mins max) for me to take them to my aunts house for Thanksgiving Dinner. I warned them that they know what happens at every holiday and they were gonna be sorry that they had an extra vehicle there to try to figure out how to get it home once they got drunk. That's their problem. They know that every year we go through this because they just expect me to be the designated driver. They also know that every year at Thanksgiving it is tradition for all the cousins to go out to a movie and I look forward to participating in that. When it came time for me to leave so I wouldnt be late for the movie my parents werent ready to go. They wanted to sit around and drink more. They have no idea how absolutely mortified I was by them and their behaviors while under the influence. Im used to my dad being hammered all the time, no matter where we go or what we do. But my mom doesnt usually get drunk when she drinks...but she was absolutely smashed. She couldnt even walk without falling down and worst of all was going around kissing everyone on my dads side of the family. Are you kidding me?!?! Oh my mercy, I swear Im adopted! Finally, I convince them to head out with me so I can make it to the movies...probably just in time for the previews to be finishing by this point. I was going to take my dads truck so that his vehicle would be home and I would sacrifice and figure out how to get my car home later. Plus it was an opportunity to take my dads truck cause I love to drive that thing, and why not use his gas in this economy? We were walking out to the truck about to get in when I realized it was a tight squeeze getting out with the cars parked in front of us and behind us. I probably could have made it, but I did not want to attempt to do so with my drunken father in the truck with me yelling at me and all worried about his stupid truck. He takes better care of that thing than he does of me, shoot he treats the stupid parrot and dog better than he treats me for that matter. So I decide that oh nevermind lets just take my car. My dad says he could talk me out of the parking spot and Id be fine, and Im sure I would be but I did not want to deal with him because I could tell he was in his mean drunk state of mind. I really dont know what happened but my parents freaked out that I wanted to take them home in my car. Its like they saw it as a personal attack or something and they snapped and started screaming and yelling at me in the middle of the street. Then one of the parents of one of the kids in my program at work walks out of his house, of course it happens to be the one Im parked in front of. Great. I love my life. He's watching the whole situation as my parents are standing in the middle of the street yelling at me. My dad gets pissed off. Go figure. And decides to try to prove a point or something, like he doesnt need me and announces that nevermind he didnt have time for this BS and that he is going to drive his truck home then. ha! You cant even see straight and you want to drive? on Thanksgiving. Thats intelligent. He demands for his keys. At first I didnt give them to him, why would I? Thats stupid. But he gets to the point where he is beyond mean and saying all sorts of things and forces me to give him the keys. I see them stagger towards the truck and start crying, scared of my parents own stupidity and the ridiculous affects alcohol has on people. I head back inside to my aunts house crying. My family sees me I explain what happened out on the street and my aunts go out to try to stop my dad from driving. My Grandma, who is my hero, my role model, my everything...comes and gives me a hug and shes shaking because shes so scared for my dad. She explains that their actions are not my fault and I did nothing wrong but then suggests at least that I follow my parents home to make sure they get home safe. So I head back outside and luckily it seems my aunts managed to get the keys from my dad. He sees me starting to walk up to them and starts screaming at me, "no, go...get out of here. You've done enough you need to get out of my life...go, just go on. etc" Ok, the dad who was never a part of my life until I was 16 now wants me back out of his life. right on. It wasnt even the words he was saying but it was the sound of pure hate in his voice and look of absolute disgust on his face that broke my heart. I hear my aunts telling him how much I do for him and I hear my mom telling him as shes crying now that hurting me isnt gonna make things any better. But apparently he doesnt care. Be little anyone and everyone just so you can finally feel high and mighty. It didnt matter. I knew my aunt was gonna drive them home and I was safe. I go back in side, shattered in a million pieces. Can we just go to the movie now? I didnt want anyone asking me if I was ok, or hugging me or telling me its not my fault...I just want to go to the movie and be left alone in the dark. My dad calls over and over again as the previews start, but my parents know I was going to the traditional thanksgiving movie with the cousins anyway so why would I answer in the theatre and especially for him at that time. He leaves a voicemail. I listened to it during the previews. He was telling me what a disappointment I am and how "dumbfounded" (his new word, dont ask, I dont know) but over and over again I here how dumbfounded he is by my actions and that its really hard to explain but I just dont know what Ive done. I still am absolutely unaware of what I did to set them off like that. Not give you your car keys? Offer to go out of my way, leave my cousins and drive you home? I really dont know. I thought some hurtful things that I would have liked to say but decided against it but you cant really hurt alcohol and God is dealing with me about saying things to my parents when Im angry. But I just deleted that voicemail and sank down in my seat, wishing he was calling to apologize but upset he was telling me what a disappointment I am and how he has no respect for me and what not. I thought the worst was over and was ready to watch the movie. Then my dad calls back and leaves a voicemail telling me that he finally convinces my mom to move in with him and that now rent and all the bills and everything were my problem and "good luck with that and have a nice life and hope everything works out for you." UGH! Whatever! Turns out the movie sucked really bad too. I really didnt like it at all. But on the bright side Anthony was working and gave me and all my cousins free tickets. He has no idea like how that one little gesture changed my night. My family was hecka humbled by that too. But even though Im upset and hurt Im alright. Like I feel proud of myself that this didnt even shake my faith. I got those voicemails and was like, "I dont know whats gonna happen God, but you do. I know youre good. My true Heavenly Father. You got everything under control and youre gonna take care of me." I aint even gonna trip off it, like it hurts but it makes me think, like to the enemy, "really, is that all you got, I'll take your best shot!" haha I love that song! God is good and faithful. With Him, I can get through anything. I love You Lord!

She Wanted To Blame The Knife

Its like the story of Barbra, Peter and Kelli. Barbra was an amazing woman, she had everything going for her but the enemy had her so blinded that she was very insecure about herself, and she didnt even realize she was insecure. She saw that two of her closest friends were getting closer, Kelli and Peter. So, Barbra (still completely unaware of what she was doing) tried to sabotage their friendship because it made her even more insecure. She managed to convince Peter to hold out a knife every time he talked to Kelli, but even Peter was unaware of what was really going on. He didnt see it as a way to harm Kelli. All 3 of them had no idea what was coming because the enemy continued to keep Barbra blinded and wrapped up in drama because he knew how unbelievably powerful she had the potential to be. So Peter and Kelli were talking one day and Peter still continued to hold the knife in his hand. He knew it was dangerous but did not think it would actually hurt anyone. Barbra saw the two of them talking and as Kelli turned away from Peter to walk away Barbra apporoached her and got her to slowly back up. She kept urging Kelli to get closer to Peter. The whole time, she saw Peter there with the knife and saw that if Kelli continued to back up she would back up right into the knife. Instead of stopping Kelli from going any further she just watched as she continued to back towards Peter, to the point that Peter accidently but eventually ended up stabbing Kelli in the back.

It wasnt Peters fault, it wasnt even Barbras fault and Kelli wanted to blame the knife, but it wasn the poor knifes fault either, it was just doing what it was supposed to do...it was only Kellis fault for not being more careful.

Proverbs 4:23 "above all else, guard your heart for it effects everyhing you do."

Kelli knew this verse, very well. In fact, it was and still is hanging on her bedroom wall.

Kelli also knew another verse proving why she needed to heed the advice of proverbs...

Matthew 12:34 "for out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks."

Its Kellis fault for not being more careful, Kelli got SERIOUSLY hurt. However, Barbra could have prevented the situation, she could have warned Kelli that Peter was holding a knife.

DISC Personality

Inspired by a friend's results...you tell me, does this sound like me? In your opinion, what part sounds the most like me?

People with my score:

~ tend to want peace and harmony.
~ prefer to let others initiate action and resolve problems.  
~ are quiet and indirect in their approach to most situations. 
~ are usually cautious and calculate risks carefully before acting.

They are generally well liked because of their mild and gentle nature.Other people will tend to see them as being patient, calm, thoughtful and a good listener.

~ are strongly interested in meeting and being with people.  
~ are generally optimistic, outgoing, and socially skilled.
~ are quick at establishing relationships.  

 

Sometimes their concern for people and people’s feelings may make them reluctant to disturb a favourable situation or relationship.

 

~ tend to enjoy change and variety in their work and non-work life.  
~ are expansive by nature and tend not to like routine and repetitive work/activities.  

 

They enjoy stretching themselves intellectually and physically.

~ are independent and uninhibited.  
~ resent rules and restrictions.  
~ prefer to be measured by results and are always willing to try the untried. 

 

Free in thought, word and deed, they long for freedom and go to great lengths to achieve it.
They feel that repetitive detail and routine work is best 'delegated'.

The Recovery Room

Ok so I was cleaning out my car and found a temporary parking permit from when my mom had her surgery, almost exactly 2 years ago. (yes I have cleaned my car since then, but kept it cause I collect tickets.) I don't know why I kept it actually, but I kept it. But I started thinking about all that all over again. The freaking long drive from work and school in Sacramento to Modesto where my mom was in the hospital. I remember being so worried about her. I sat in the room with her all the way up until they kicked me out. They told me I had to go because they were going to give her anesthesia and prep her for surgery even though her surgery wasn't scheduled to start for another 45 minutes. My dad had to leave but I sat there during the whole surgery and was too worried even to do my homework. The surgery didn't seem to take very long at all. The doctor came out and told me she made it through the surgery and everything went well. She was in the recovery room and I would be able to see her once they took her to her room. Oh my mercy it seemed like she was in the recovery room FOREVER!!! At least twice as long as she was in the operating room....

...Don't you just hate it when people talk about you when they really have no idea what's going on? My family cant keep a secret to save their lives. They are always talking about each other and all the skeletons in the closet. But to me that's different because they are family, actually do know whats going on and so they have a little room to talk. But when people just assume things, oh my mercy it drives me nuts!

So lately I've been a little more quiet and reserved than normal. Mainly because Ive been sick and Ive been tired. Mostly sick. Two weeks in a row Ive been hit by two random things, that thankfully seem to go as quickly as they came. I lost my voice last week and it took a few days to regain complete strength in my voice so work was extra tiring cause it hurt so much to yell over the loud little kids. Then last night I woke up in the middle of the night sicker than a dog. I spent the next couple hours running back and forth to the bathroom and was sick all the way up until I had to go to work. I don't know if it was a mild case of food poisoning or what but for whatever reason my stomach absolutely did not agree with that chicken salad with ranch I ate last night. I thought about calling in to work. But then I got a phone call saying a co-worker of mine had a stroke so obviously wouldn't be in to work. Wednesdays are always short handed at my job and now with her in the hospital  and if I were to leave then my staff would have been left there alone  - 2 people to watch 100 kids. That just simply will not work. So I tried to gather all my strength and go to work. I was tired and still not feeling well by the end of the day but headed to youth group. Upon arriving I was told to go home. I know they had the best of intentions since I didn't feel well, but heck no. I don't miss youth group for anything. I must be really really really sick to miss. Like honestly believe I'm dying sick. I love it there. And though I'm tired and sick, being there around those kids excites me, impassions me. There's absolutely no place else Id rather be when I need strength or encouragement. I love those kids so much. Tonight was good too. I got to pray with a sweet young girl. I didn't even know what to pray but I prayed for hecka long. It was obvious God took over and gave me the words to speak. She hecka broke. She was crying so hard. Shaking, sobbing. I was scared she was going to collapse cause she was crying so hard at one point. She was gripping my sweatshirt in her fists, holding me so tight as she clung to me. All I could do was hug her, hold her tightly and pray that God would use me as the arms of Jesus in that moment. My shoulder was soaking wet. Man what a blessing. Not that this girl is falling apart in my arms, but that she knows shes in a safe place and can fall apart and that the tears streaming down her face are evidence that God is touching her and speaking to her and that He used me, I got to see Him at work first hand! I love youth ministry.

Ive had a lot on my mind lately too with school and trying to figure out these last couple of classes. And Ive been stressed because its midterm, research paper and final time all in consecutive weeks, back to back. People understood when I was actually going to school that I have a lot of work to do but they don't seem to understand that taking it ISP is even more work, just cause I'm not going to the campus on a regular basis doesn't mean I don't have homework or stuff to do. I cant wait for this class to be over. Then I will just have to figure out what to do with my math class. How am I going to pay for it, where am I going to take it, when do I need to take it by, what classes will full fill the requirement, etc. Its a lot to figure out. And though I want to be done with school and I spent 22 years of my life working towards the goal of graduating college, it has been hard since I graduated. The enemy attacks when you enter Bible college, but dude he attacks even harder once you graduate. For 22 years that's all I have known is school. I only know how to be a student. That's all Ive ever been. That's who Ive been. Now all of a sudden I'm realizing that chapter and season in my life is coming to an end. Whats next? God knows, but I really don't know and though I trust Him it is really scary to think about.  Its just a lot.

God has been doing a lot of great things though and really has been speaking to me and molding and shaping my heart. He is such a good God. Camp was amazing. God did some amazing things in me and spoke to me quite a bit up there. Hes been speaking very loudly lately in my life. Things are changing. I'm changing. Its not always easy and it does take its toll. But ultimately it will be for the good and for God's glory. He's also been challenging me, stretching me, correcting me. Its like He has performed a major surgery on me.

I get annoyed with people sometimes. I don't have to answer to anyone except God. Yes I have Godly mentors in my life that have permission to speak to me as a parent speaking to a child. I have very few of those people though, for a reason. People don't know my past. Yes I have shared my testimony with people and a lot of people do know a lot about me and I have opened up a little about my past. But there are still a lot of things that I saw and experienced as a young child that are ingrained in me and I don't open up much as a result of those things. I'm used to keeping things bottled in. I share them with God of course. With my mentors when the time is right. But I don't have to share everything with Joe Schmoe off the street. My co workers know that they need to know and that's about it. They don't get me and I'm ok with that. I know where my identity lies. I don't owe anybody anything. You don't deserve an explanation as to why I am the way I am. If I choose to talk to you about it then consider yourself lucky because I don't often share things with my peers until they have come and passed. While I'm going through them, hardly. I hate when people think they know whats best for me. God knows whats best for me. Who are you? I don't even know whats best for me. Don't act like you know everything about me. I don't even know everything about me. Only God knows how many hairs are on my head and He holds my tears in His hands. Every single one of them Ive ever cried. He knows exactly how many are there. 

This is me. I am very comfortable being with myself. I would prefer to be quiet and just observe people all the time. I am very mellow by nature and an introvert. Just because Ive learned to adjust to an extroverted world and made friends who are mostly extroverts and realize that I need to be a people person in ministry doesn't mean that's who I really am. With my calling I must break out of my comfort zone on occasion, I realize this. I'm still shy though really. I'm quite content usually always. Anywhere doing anything I can be content. I'm a good actress and can act like I'm very outgoing. I can be loud, wild and crazy. But the real me is still the girl that would love to stay under covers for her whole life. Reading maybe. Writing maybe. Only venturing into the world to observe it. So when I act like myself I don't understand why people get so shocked. You obviously don't know me very well then. I'm a very calm person, it takes a lot to surprise me. Like a lot. A lot to stir any kind of emotion out of me actually.

God did a major surgery on me. Before my moms surgery they had to isolate her and they prepped her for surgery. They cleaned the area, and they gave her anesthesia that made her unaware of what was going on for a while. They performed the surgery and then she was in the recovery room for a very long time. Even after she came out of the recovery room she was still rather loopy and kind of groggy and out of it. I'm in that recovery room right now. Kinda groggy and out of it. That's not a bad thing. People go through seasons in their life so I just wish people would quit acting like its the end of the world. Everyone just assumes it means I'm struggling spiritually. I know God is good. I do. I wont ever forget that. I wont ever struggle over that. I was kind of out of it right before the major surgery God did too. Of course I was because He was prepping me. Thankfully, He cleaned me with the blood of the Lamb. The most sterile and cleansing. Washes my sins away. I wish people would just get it. I'm ok. I will always be ok. Always. Because I serve a good God. The day that I'm not ok is the day I will die and then I will be ok. Better than ok because I will be with God. I'm ok, I will always be ok.

The Thing

I could tell by her countenance that she was hurting. Something was deeply troubling her. My heart broke just looking at this little girl. I offered to pray for her and she eagerly accepted. I asked if there was anything specific she needed prayer for. "Well, my friend..." then she looked up at me with uncertainty in her eyes. She quickly changed her tone of voice, "My friend, my friends, all of my friends, they all need prayer." I thought it was sweet she wanted me to pray for her friends and ironically I felt like I should specifically pray for her friends before I even approached her. But there was something more. I prayed for her friends. Prayed for their salvation and understanding. I prayed for them each briefly. Then I gave her a hug and reminded her that I love her. I couldn't see her face as she was clinging to me but it was almost as if I could hear her swallow the lump in her throat and feel her fight back the tears forming in her eyes. I asked her, "Now whats really there, deep down inside. What can I pray about for you?" She looked at me still uncertain. "Will I still love her if she tells me her deepest secret? Will it stop tearing her apart if she finally spoke to someone about it and I was able to pray for her? Would God really be able to heal her in that area?" I'm sure were all some of the thoughts that crossed her mind. I could see the wheels turning, her mind racing as all these thoughts went through her head. I could feel the enemy approaching and I'm sure he started whispering lies to her. "You cant be that vulnerable, she wont love you anymore, you'll lose all of your friends, everyone will hate you, you re a freak, prayer wont work, God doesn't hear you." Lies, all lies from the pit of hell. The enemy was trying hard to cripple this precious little girl. "Well..." she finally began to speak. "Well, there is one thing you can pray for me about...every night I think and I wonder and I pray if..." she began to be a little more transparent with me, she was vulnerable. I prayed for her. I knew this thing she asked me to pray for her bothered her, but it wasn't the thing ripping her to shreds. It wasn't the thing that kept her awake at night. It wasn't the thing that made her withdraw from her friends, afraid of what they would think. It wasn't the thing that threatened to send her into a perpetual downward spiral of depression. It was a thing, it wasn't THE thing. She was too scared to really let go and let God. She couldn't completely open up to me. She shared just enough with me to get me to think she was telling me the truth, but it wasn't the whole truth. She dared to be transparent but not raw. She just couldn't bring herself to ask for prayer. Shes so sweet, so young, so innocent. I know without a doubt nothing could make me love her less. But the enemy is relentless. He keeps her in his grip with shame and doubt over this thing, this one thing. She shared, she shared enough but it wasn't all of it. Maybe another day she would finally divulge all of it. Expose herself and find that nothing but God's pure love would come rushing in. I felt for her. I wished she wouldn't let the enemy do this to her. Then I started thinking about my own life. How many times have I been there. Far too many. That's why my heart goes out to her. Because Ive been there, time and time again. Ive wanted to share THE THING with friends and ask for help and prayer and love. The enemy is strong and clever though. He never tires. I will expose just enough of the truth to make my friends and family think Ive shared all with them, but really I'm just covering up whats really there. I try to distract them and entice them with some other bit of truth luring them away from the real truth. The whole truth. I see hope begin to rush in and I assist the enemy in blocking it. No, they will never understand. They wont care. What will they think. No, never. I just cant. Everything else but not this one thing. No. I cant. But I have to. I cant though. Pride rises. Hope is extinguished. Why? Why does this little girl continually do this to herself? Why? Lord, why?

Bridge Over Troubled Water

So I work for the Bridge Program. I loved it when I worked through City of Lodi, most days at least. I dreaded it when I started working through Lodi Unified. Most days. Not a whole lot has changed. The Bridge Program. What a quirky little name they picked out. Linking learning with fun. ha. More like Bridge Over Troubled Water. It's not as bad as it was. Seems to be getting a little bit better. I don't hate it anymore, most days. But I don't love it either. I still don't see God's hand at work there. I still don't feel God's presence there. I still don't know why God put me there. I know He did though. Some days I feel like I'm walking across that Bridge just fine, working the program. Some days I try to walk across the bridge and work the program but it doesn't seem to be working, then I look up and notice its because my Bridge is under water. Not even the bridge OVER troubled water, more like the bridge UNDER troubled water. But I noticed that they all have weaseled their little way into my heart. I first noticed it when I realized I wasn't gonna be there for a day. Just one day, that's all. I wont be there. I will still be available by phone, and oh believe me I will be calling in to check on them. I'm so worried about them, how will they be when I'm gone. Will they all be OK, will my staff run things OK, look after them alright? I'm beginning to think that half the time that's my problem. I try to do it all on my own and it just doesn't work out very well. But why do I lose my patience with them so fast. Some things my staff does that should bug me doesn't, they don't bother me really at all. But we don't mesh too well as a team either. Some days, probably most days, that's probably the problem. This particular group has never managed to click as a team. We get along just fine, everyone does their job just fine, but when you re working with kids you have got to have a united front and quite frankly we just don't have that. I'm so quick to snap at these kids and its not OK. They have managed to soften my heart though. Maybe if they just keep working their charm I will fall in love with them and it will all make things better. I don't know. At least it hasn't been as bad as it was. Although today was our first rainy day....100 kids stuck inside 1 cafeteria with no recess and no chance to burn off all their energy...YIKES! Finally things start to cool down and then God has to really cool things down with some rain. We'll see how that goes. Tomorrow of course is Halloween. Its either going to be a nice quiet day where all the kids go home early or don't show up at all...or its gonna be a crazy day...none of the kids listening all of them loud and excited for evening. Hopefully everyone is picked up early and I can get off early. Lord, use me to touch these kids and use these kids to touch me. Help soften my heart, give me patience but please don't test my patience. It's tested enough by these kids every day. God bless me, grant me peace and joy to carry with me into the darkness on this campus. Let my light shine your love like a city on a hill. Lord I love you, the first quarter is over and the second quarter is flying by. Time is going so fast and I don't want to feel like this year was a waste. I want to see lives changed this year, including my own. Help me with my attitude to set a good example for them. Lord I love you, help these kids to get to know You through me. Thank you Lord You are so good and so worthy. You are Holy my sweet Jesus. In your precious and powerful name I pray. Amen

Empty handed but alive in Your hands

Dear Lord Jesus,

I don't even know where to begin Lord. I'm gonna just start by praising You. Thank you for everything Lord. For bringing me here to this camp, for the friends that surround me, for the air I breathe, for my next breath. God you are amazing. God speak to me I sang and prayed. Speak to me. Then I began to magnify Your name. No other name, the name above all names, a strong and mighty tower, a shelter like no other. Your name. JESUS! And you reminded me of the same verse that Sofia gave me earlier today, one that you have obviously been trying to minister to me with for a while now. I'm sorry that I brushed it off when she gave it to me Lord. I looked it up, I smiled, I was thankful, but I didn't get it. You spoke it to me and it was all I needed to hear. Philippians 1:6 "And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." God you will. You WILL. Not you want to, but may not get around to it, you WILL. It is Your will to finish that work in me. Lord thank you, thank you for breaking me at that point. Then God as I heard and saw the altar call being given for those wanting to be baptized with the Holy Spirit and receive their prayer language, the sobbing began when I saw Serena go up there. That's my team, that's my left arm, that's my sister and I was so proud of her Lord. I was so happy for her, cause though she had just walked up I knew she was going to receive it. God I thought, "do you know what this going to mean for our ministry that we just started together?!" Do you know?! Do I know?! This is what she needs, this what I need, this is what we need, this is what Uturn needs! The power that comes from your Holy Spirit and now everyone of the 3-(wo)man team has had that encounter with you. My Lord, thank you Jesus! Then I began to sob when I saw Beckie go up there. I was shocked but so proud and so happy as well. I knew at that point, without a shadow of a doubt, that last night's conversation was in preparation for tonight...all around, all across the board. That conversation may have seemed to just flow naturally as we chit chatted but I know it was God breathed, God inspired, God appointed. That's just it Lord, as Christians it should be natural to work in the supernatural. It doesn't need to be weird or spooky.Then God I saw Jerrica go up there and Erin. Lord thank you! I don't think I've ever cried that hard in my life. I didn't know people actually can run out of tears until it happened to me tonight and then I still continued to bawl and weep, completely out of tears. I knew we would be talking about promises tonight and I couldn't really think of any that were given to me at a specific time for a specific purpose. I thought, man I am the facilitator of the group, how am I supposed to talk to them about promises if I don't even have any. Then God forgive me as I was tempted to begin to make excuses and whine about how hard it has been to live my life and continue to persevere without a promise to hold on to and to give me hope, encouragement and strength. But it really hasn't been that hard, you are my everything and the Bible is filled with promise and hope and strength and encouragement. But then God I started singing, "stir it up in my heart Lord...a passion that this world cannot contain" I was still sobbing so uncontrollably, doubled over even because I was crying so hard. God you know that I came here for clarification on a few certain things. I'm still not 100% sure you have given me clarity on those things but God you spoke to me tonight, and God last night you gave me such a peace about these things that clarity almost seems unnecessary. God my promise is that you WILL finish the work inside of me. Then when Dottie came over and stood with me I knew I was about to collapse in a heap if she wasn't securely holding me up. She started speaking into my life. God I love Dottie. Shes such an inspiration. She reminds me of me and I want to be able to pick myself up the way she has if I ever get to a point like that in my life. God she started speaking about my passion. She said that I will never loose it. That I still have it. It will always be in me. She told me that I have never failed you. I feel like I have, time and time again I feel like I have. Over and over again. I'm a mess. I'm sorry Lord, forgive me. Then God she started to speak about the desires of my heart. She said that you knew all of my desires, all of my hopes, all of my dreams and she said I will see all of them come to pass. She told me, "hold on to that promise." I don't know if that was confirmation for everything I was praying last night, I don't know if that was clarity but God I know that you WILL. You WILL Lord! Thank you Jesus! Don't I know that you are a good God and you know every part of me and that you will give me the desires of my heart - those desires that you placed there for a reason. God speak to me. The weekend isn't over. Speak real loud and real clear to me about this one. Lord speak to me. God then I began to cry yet again as we started singing... "empty handed but alive in Your hands" God I am certainly empty handed. I have absolutely nothing to offer, nothing to bring to the table. I am worthless and unworthy. But Lord your blood, there is power in your blood. It washes me white as snow. I am empty handed but alive in your hands. That's all that matters. Lord I am amazed by your goodness and grace. The events that took place after all of this happened I will always be grateful for. Lord things that I don't dare to even mention. You know though my God. Thank you. Lord walls were broken, chains were broken, bondage was released and there was freedom. Thank you. I thank you for putting me in this black hole, little ol' Lodi. Lord you know how bad I wanted out at times but I know that you put me here for a reason and I don't even understand why you chose to bless me this much, why do I get to experience Lodi and these wonderful people? Lord thank you. You are so good and you are so worthy. It is in your precious and holy name that I pray, the sweet and powerful name of Jesus. JESUS! Amen

I Wanna Do This Right...

I wanna do this right this time God. Im tired of messing up. Lord thank you for using me even though I am a screw up. God I wanna do this right this time. Lord help me to do it right this time. Lord forgive me for all of my mistakes. Lord continue to teach me through my mistakes and please continue to love me without reason. It is only your love and your grace that gets me through these things. Lord I wanna do this right, Im ready for a change and yet dont know how to change. Im ready for a change and yet scared to change. Im ready for a change and yet dont want to change. God change me. Lord I want to do it right this time. God Im scared to death yet Im so ready for it. I know you do not give us a spirit of fear so that fear is coming from some where for some reason. But I dont really notice it most of the time. It is only when I am truly honest with you and with myself that I realize oh man Lord Im terrified but excited to see what youre gonna do with this. Lord I want to do this right, help me to do it right this time. God speak to me, now and at a camp and when we come home. Be real loud and real clear with me on this matter. You know how dense I am Lord. God I need you in my life more and more and I want you in my life more and more. More this minute than even 30 seconds ago my Jesus. Lord how much have I ruined by all of my mistakes? God Im not sure I want an answer to that, just help me to get on the right track and stay there for good. You know me Lord, you know my heart. You know that over the past couple of weeks Ive prayed more than ever before about this. Lord I have a hard time thinking about anything else. Lord I need clarity because my Lord I do not want to mess this up. I wanna do it right this time! Im tired of beating my head against a brick wall over and over again, Im tired of making the same mistakes and learning the same lessons over and over again. satan you have no power over me, I will not fear for my future is decided, you have no hold over me for I am washed in the blood of Jesus, you will not defeat me, victory has been promised, get behind me satan because quite frankly you suck!

Ministry or Marriage?

So I went to Santa Cruz the other weekend with a random, and I do mean RANDOM, group of friends...or people or something. And I was told something that really hit me hard. I don't know if it was supposed to be a compliment or an insult or just a statement but I took it as an insult. I did not like people making the statement that they did based on observations and things they've seen in my life. The person made a comment about how I seem to be thinking about marriage a lot. He said he has heard me talk about it quite a few times. Well, I suppose that's true. I do think about marriage, just like any other girl. But I don't want statements like that made about me. Id rather hear things like, "man, she's madly in love with her perfect Bridegroom!" Honestly, I think more about Him and my life in Him than about any thing else or any other portion of my life. If that's not coming across in my words and my actions and my lifestyle then maybe I'm doing something wrong. I don't know, that statement just really hit me hard. I don't even think it was intended to do so but it really made me start to think about things, yes marriage included. But I was sharing with my other half, Sofia, something that Ive thought about (more than once) but have never shared with anyone. I'm almost a little apprehensive about even writing it here but I doubt anyone other than Iris actually reads this blog anyway, and shes my online therapist so I'm not worried about her finding out about feelings, thoughts and emotions that run deep. But Ive heard my pastor talk about marriage and Ive seen quite a few newlyweds and their involvement in the church. He has said that hes not sure he would ever put a newlywed into ministry because their heads are in the clouds and they should be focusing on trying to make sure that they establish a good foundation in their marriage before they start working on ministry. So then I think about my life. The passion of my life is my youth. They are probably who I pray for the most, more than myself even. I day dream about youth ministry and think about them all the time! I love what I do. At first when I heard Jack talking about how much he loves what he does I thought yeah I do too but I don't go around talking about it like he does...but then I realized...no I really really really do love what I do, really. Its by no means easy but I love it. What happens if I find a guy, and want to settle down with him and eventually marry him? How will that effect my ministry? Will I have to step away for the first year of marriage? Or does pastor just mean he wont start someone in ministry that's a newlywed, but for me its different since I'm already involved in ministry? Of course all these digging deeper nights where we have been talking about relationships with married couples as guest speakers hasn't helped much either. But I'm terrified of getting married though I want to get married. I just realized this. I'm not scared of commitment or hard work or intimacy or anything of that sort, but I'm scared of how it will define me. Will I still be just as passionate about youth ministry? Will I relearn how to be a youth pastor who is married? Will I set a good example for my youth as I'm courting the man of my dreams? Will I get to spend as much time with my kids if I'm married? Probably wont be having too many late nights at In N Out anymore. It will more than likely change everything I know about ministering. Lord, I know you did not give me a Spirit of fear and Lord you know the desires of my heart. Maybe all these new changes in the youth are just one step closer to you easing me into a new season in my life...marriage? hmm. Lord, speak to me. Speak to him, wherever he is. Make sure that He has a passion to serve you and see others come to know you as I do. God change my life, molding it delicately in a manner that only you can do. Erase my fears and help develop me into a better minister and yet also someone worth marrying. God I love you, thank you for being my perfect Bridegroom. Thank you for always loving me and protecting me. My sweet sweet Jesus I love you. In your precious and holy name I pray. Amen

Go back and walk!

Bathroom run! Walk! Jasmin go back and walk! Noah go back and walk! Faith go back and walk! Walk, Alex! Please walk 2nd graders. I cant count how many times I say walk everyday! These kids run from point A to point B. But yet they don't want to run a mile when we ask them to. When we tell them to go back and walk they run back to their starting point and the start walking...do you really not get it?! Man, these kids! I get so annoyed of reminding kids to walk sometimes. Sometimes I just wanna say screw it. Let them run, let the kids be kids by golly! But I know the one time I don't remind them to walk will be the one time they fall and crack their head open. They are so hyped up sometimes that I would love to have them run off all their energy. They think they're so sly when they skip or hop. "I'm not running," they tell me. "Yeah, but you're not walking either and that's what I'm asking you to do." But I wonder to myself, why do we suppress their childlike behaviors? Kids grow up too fast as it is. If that's the only thing they are getting yelled at about then they are good kids and there is no need for us to constantly be yelling at them. If being yelled at to walk is the least of their worries then they probably hear enough yelling at home and need a break from it at school. Then I wish I had half the energy they did. I can barely muster up enough strength and energy to walk across the room sometimes let alone to run across the playground. Imagine the things I could do and accomplish if I had their energy. Why is youth wasted on the young? ha! Look at me, becoming a granny all of a sudden. Then I think about all the things I rushed through in life. Things that I should have stopped, or slowed down at least to really drink it all in. What have I missed because I was too busy rushing from here to there. Or even more heartbreaking, who have I missed by rushing to and fro. If I would slow down in life would I be more effective? Is that why we yell at the kids all the time to slow down? So they can be more effective. I doubt it. Effective in what? So they can be more effective at driving me insane? They got that down pretty good as it is. God help me to be childlike in my faith again, to be eager to get to the next place. Lord give me the energy to serve You more, glorify You more, to advance Your Kingdom Lord. But my God please help me to slow down and notice the things You are trying to show me. Help me to not miss anyone that is desperate for You and that is crying out for attention. Lord, change me and make me more like You. I need Thee every hour Lord, I love You, more and more each day!

Two Worlds Colide

Mychelle vs. Shelly. It seems there has always been a battle between my Sacramento life and my Lodi life. The two haven't ever really met in the whole 4 years Ive juggled between the two. That is until now. Even though Ricky and Carlos live in Sac, they are part of my Lodi life. They know Shelly. I met them in Lodi. But they do live in Sac, so they kinda get the best of both worlds. It seemed a little surreal when they met Jack and Sofia. Jack and Sofia are definitely part of my Sac life, they've only been a part of Lodi once or twice. But it was cool, just seemed a lil weird, but nevertheless really cool that we could all hang and kick it. The two worlds together at last! And get this! They get along! haha, who knew?! Mychelle and Shelly can be civil to each other! But then Sofia came to Lodi and met the crew. Katy and Serena kicked it with Sofia. Sofia likes them. Carlos and Ricky were there. Everyone is together and they all clicked real well together. It wasn't Lodi vs Sac...it was the body of Christ, becoming one.  No one probably even understands how I feel, they all live in one world. They haven't ever had to learn how to juggle two worlds. But it is a very surreal feeling when the two collide. Its exciting though. It'd be nice to kick it with all of them, not to have to decide which crowd I wanna hang out with. They all have met and hung out. Hopefully we can all kick it more often, hopefully this will all work out and I will finally find my place in one world. Jack, Sofia, Ricky, Carlos, Serena, Katy...now all that's missing is Iris. If we could get her in the mix, it'd be great! And I think to myself, yes, what a wonderful world.......Lord thank you for blessing me with amazing friends. Lord thank you for bringing people into my life that can each have a personal relationship with me but yet can still all get along. Lord thank you for making me adaptable. I know without a doubt not many people could live the two lives that I lived for 4 years. Thank you for bringing them together and helping me to feel as if there is some unity to my worlds and thus my life. Lord just thank you, thank you for everything. God you are amazing. You are so good and you have always been the best friend. God I love you more than ever before! You never cesase to amaze me and inspire me. I love you my precious Jesus my bestfriend.

September 11

I was woken up by a text message this morning and for any of you who know how obnoxious my text message alert noise is I'm sure you feel my pain. I didn't go to sleep til after 2am and I didn't get much rest, tossed and turned all night. Had a crazy dream, and my thoughts wandered in my sleepy stupor. It was 6 something in the morning and I hear message, Message, MESSAGE, MEEESSSSAAAAGGGEEEE!!!! Stupid phone. Who is texting me this early in the morning. I check it, mostly just to make it shutup and its one of the usual culprits. I was a little upset when it was just asking, "Where were you about this time 7 years ago?" Man! Wait til I'm awake to ask me questions like that. But then I saw it said something about in remembrance of those lost...and I realized...man. September 11. Stupid girl, being all negative. 7 years ago I'm sure people all across the country were woken up. I'm sure that there are people that would love to be woken up early in the morning by someone they lost in that tragedy! But then I started thinking bout work...go figure...I never get away from the place. But I started thinking bout lil Juliana and kindergartner Giovanni. Even Faith, bless her heart! Man, all those kids weren't even alive when it happened. Even my 6th graders, Tanner, Taylor, Maria, Marisol, Christian...I wonder if they even remember it. They were really young when it happened. They may not have any memory of it at all. Or if they do it may be very vague. Probably how I remember the Earthquake in 1989. I was too young to care. I didn't realize the ramifications it would have. Man, I feel old. None of these kids can answer the question, what were you doing September 11 2001. I can tell you in detail what I did, who I was with, where I was...I can even tell you what the weather was like that day. Gloomy, rainy. Almost like the sky was mourning. Man, do we have a responsibility to pass this along. To share with these kids...It was only 7 years ago, what happens when it was 70 years ago? What were you doing when you found out about the attack on our country 7 years ago? Share with someone today! Lord thank you for always gently reminding me that life is not about me. Its not about how much sleep I get and I will survive as long as you continue to give me strength even when Im tired. God thank you for keeping me safe 7 years ago and Lord I pray for those that lost loved ones. Lord bring healing into their lives help them to pick up the shattered pieces of their lives and move on. Help them to see your hand at work through their lives whether they know you or not. God I pray that you would bless America! Lord thank you for placing me in this country. Lord I love you and in your precious and holy name I pray. Amen

Naked Fruit

Its time to get back to the basics. Yes, I graduated from Bible College and I do probably have a lot of knowledge from there. I'm still working on the wisdom part though. But honestly, who cares about that. Do people really care that I know the difference between Homiletics and Hermeneutics? Non-believers sure as heck don't care, and most Christians probably couldn't give a rip either. Am I going to have to explain the difference between pre-millennial, post-millennial, and a-millennial views before I am allowed into Heaven? No, Jesus don't care so neither do I! I'm not trying to say that education isn't important. Believe me if I thought that I woulda dropped out a long time ago! But it isn't the most important. I can read out of a book that Christians should lay hands on the sick and pray for them, I can even read true-life stories about people who have seen miracles performed this way. But who cares if I have never actually layed hands on someone, prayed for them and seen them healed?! It means nothing. This little nugget of truth came to me a week or two ago after talking with Erin about how we know we are going to Heaven. Well, we get into Heaven by being saved. Well, how do we know we are saved? We know by being filled with the Holy Spirit, because God isn't going to put His Spirit in someone who isn't willing. So then how do we know we have been filled with the Holy Spirit? Is it because we fell on the ground one time and speak in tongues? No. Can you be filled with the Holy Spirit and not speak in tongues? Absolutely. So then how do you know? The fruit of the Spirit! That's when I first became interested again in the fruit of the Spirit. I thought nothing more of it after that, until now that is. But really, the fruit of the Spirit. Its time to get back to the basics. No one cares about the proper apologetic approach for each cultural group. I may know the definition to words such as Soteriological and Pneumatology, but who cares! It doesn't matter! Not many people even really care about what the text said in its original Hebrew or Greek. Maybe a few dedicated Christians, but definitely not any non-believers. But you know what people do care about, both Christians and non-Christians alike? The fruit of the Spirit! Who doesn't care about Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-control? No one, because everyone cares about that stuff! Its time to get back to the basics. The naked fruit. What can you do in life if you are not producing sweet fruit for your precious Lord Jesus? Not much. Are you even Christian if you are not producing any type of fruit? Hmm. That's a question to ponder. Anyways, I am going to dedicate this season to digging deeper into the fruit of the Spirit.I'm going to unpeel it! Not just skim over Galatians chapter 5, but to really examine it and determine what really matters and how it can change my life. It is the Word of God after all, I do expect it to change my life. I don't know what its going to look like after I'm done studying it. I don't know what I'm going to look like after I'm done. But I hope I produce more fruit. I'm really excited to see what I learn about peace. To rest in God. To rest in God at all times, even during times of labor. To rest in God even (gasp) at work! Wow, there's a thought! Lord, help me to rest in You! To trust in You more! To be content at work knowing that You are at work in my life all the time. In those kids' lives! Help them to see You in me. Help my co-workers see this peace I find in You and to yearn for it too. Help me to be a witness to them! Lord, show me what you want me to learn as I begin to study the fruit of the Spirit. Help me grow into the person you want me to be! Lord I love You and I want my life to produce fruit that glorifies You! Shape me, Lord! Lets get back to the basics. The fruit of the Spirit!

Change

I remember the first time I rearranged my room. I remember my parents were supposed to be gone for most of the night and they left me and my friend there alone. Once they left, she and I started moving my dresser and my nightstand. I had a huge queen size water bed so we couldn't really move that. We took all the drawers out of the dresser and night stand because they were too heavy to move otherwise. They were all stacked and piled on my bed. The shelves with all of the cat figurines would have been covered by the new placement of my dresser so they were all off the wall and awaiting their new location. It was a mess. You couldn't get in or out cause there was stuff everywhere. My parents came back because they forgot something. My dad came barging into my room but he couldn't even open the door all the way. He stuck his head in and saw the mess. I saw the look on his face and I was glad it was him that came in and not my mom. I knew my neat freak mom would have had a heart attack if she saw that mess. But I knew I was in big trouble because I knew what my dad would tell my mom as soon as he got back in the car and they left again. And I get my tendency to exaggerate from my dad, so hard telling how much more he exaggerated what a mess was in that room. As he left I looked at my friend and expressed with urgency that we had to finish before my parents returned. We would not even be stopping to order pizza with the money my mom left until this room was done and completely spotless. Eventually, we finished. The room was spotless and we could finally sit down, get out of the hot room, relax and enjoy the rest of the night. I was pleased with the results. It was then, at that exact moment, as I took a step back to look at my new room and admire our work, that I realized something big. I realized that change isn't so bad. Why had my room been exactly the same for so long? I loved it now! Still the same room, the same stuff, but different. As an only child I sat around with the adults quite a bit. I heard a lot about change, how grown ups seemed to be afraid of it and not like it. But I decided that night that I liked change. I welcomed change from that night on. And I still do like change. I like surprises. I pride myself in the fact that I tend to be pretty adaptable. My room has never ever stayed the same for more than a year, I often change either the bedspread, patterns, colors, layout, furniture...anything! But in all honesty, who cares about all that. It doesn't matter. Its not a soteriological issue, and really only heart issues and the rest of eternity matter. But here I am, standing at a cross roads in my life. Change is all around me. I'm out of school, I'm starting a new job. Things are changing at church. My relationship with my family is changing. New friends are coming into my life, some old friends are coming back into my life. Some friends have left my life. I'm trying to stand firm on the Rock of my Salvation in the midst of this storm. But I feel as if I'm loosing my footing. I'm overwhelmed. I want nothing more than to just go home and crawl into bed at the end of the day. I don't want to go hang out with people, I want to pull my favorite blankets over my head, I want to sit in my familiar room, which btw has NOT been rearranged lately, and just melt. But then again I want to go out and get my mind off of things. But still, I crave something comfortable, something stable. But things are changing all around me, and its not necessarily a bad thing. It could be for the best. How adaptable am I really gonna be? Am I really welcoming all this change? No. I'm terrified. I'm scared to death. But yet God did not give me a spirit of fear. God is with me through it all. And as every foursquare church reminds me, Jesus Christ is the same yesterday today and forever. Finally something that is not changing. That will be with me through all of this change. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for whispering confidence to me in the midst of uncertainty. I know that if my entire life changes, you still love me. I love you Jesus. Hold me tight through this storm. Let me know you are with me and will protect me from the fierce storm. Help me to change. Help me to bend and flex, not break, in the wind. You give me strength Jesus. I can not do this, or anything without you. You give me boldness. You give me...me! because you give of your holy self to me, wholly, and completely. Thank you Lord, I love you!

Work

I seriously wonder if I made the right decision. When I worked for the bridge program through city of Lodi I didnt really mind going to work most days. Now working for the bridge program through LUSD I dread going to work most days. I wonder if changing over was the right decision. I prayed that God would only open the doors He wanted me to go through. It seemed like this was completely God. He was providing more money through this job, which I would need to start paying off loans from Bible College. It offered insurance, which I needed so desperately. But I really dont like my job all that much anymore. I havent fallen in love with these kids at all. None of 'em really. I loved all the kids at Nichols. I loved all the little brats at Reese. Even though I hated Beckman I still fell in love with a few of the kids. But here at Borchardt...none of em really. Maybe I need to just give it some more time. I dont know. Ugh! It seems like it has been "one of those days" every day ever since I started this job. Is the money worth it is a question that comes to mind. I guess only time will tell. My devotional this morning talked about learning to focus on God in hard times. My random "daily reminder from God" on my home page also talked about focusing on God in hard times. Maybe I need to take a hint. God help me to focus on You in the midst of the chaos that happens at work. I will stay there as long as you want me to. Help me to not get so stressed out about things. Help me to remember You are still God, still good and still on the throne. No matter what, you are with me. Thank you Lord! I love you!

Freeway

So Ive seen it in movies. I didn't think it actually happened in real life though until today. I was entering my 6th hour of being in the car on my way home from Reno. Usually its a 3 hour drive but I guess because of the 3 day weekend, the Rib cook off and burning man all in Reno the same weekend I happen to be there everyone else was trying to get home as well. Traffic was horrible. We left Reno no later than 12:45 and about 5:30 I was stoked to finally see Madison Avenue. I dreaded that place for 4 whole years and now it sure was a sight for sore eyes! I looked over at Ciarra to express my eagerness to be home, but she was sleeping. So there I was passing Antelope and Greenback and finally Madison alone with my excitement. I sat up a little straighter in my seat and turned up the music. Even started dancing a little as I sang along. I would be home in less than an hour and I knew this drive well. I expected to hit a little bit of traffic around Cal Expo with the state fair going on but Ive dealt with it plenty of times before, its usually not too bad and it clears up as soon as I pass the Cal Expo exit. Boy did we hit traffic! I saw the Cal Expo exit come and go and got a little worried when the traffic seemed to get worse. The stop and go traffic had come and gone. There was no going. We were at a dead stop and hadn't moved an inch for at least 15mins before I turned off my engine. People were getting out of their cars and walking around, stretching and trying to figure out what was going on. Me and Ciarra got comfortable and busted out the cheez-its. The guy in the car next to us offered $20 bucks for them haha. There was a church group that got out of a van and started doing a drama right there in the middle of the freeway. White masks and all. There were kids walking on the wall that separates the different directions. There were motorcycle cops riding on the shoulder and then another one going the wrong direction between traffic. Are you serious right now? We are really gonna party on the freeway. Bumping music and all? Ugh! I just wanna get home. A helicopter is flying overhead dropping water on us, so it feels kinda like its raining a little bit. Finally we all start moving again and as we drive a little further we start coughing and choking on all the smoke. Its so thick I cant see my aunts car in front of me. I look over and the ground along the side of the freeway is charred and there are still flames interspersed randomly. Wow. only me. Only my life. Honestly, you can either cry or laugh. Laughing is more fun though. But this gives the perfect example of my mixed emotions of Sacramento. I was so excited to see it on the way home, thinking I had arrived. Yet I was in for a rude awakening. I felt alone in my excitement. Just as I did when I moved to Sacramento and knew nobody. I was so excited to see the campus, thinking I had arrived as a Christian...about to enroll in Bible College. Man, was I in for a rude awakening my first quarter Fall 2004. I quickly realized how much I hated Sacramento and just wanted to get out of there. I appreciate Lodi more and more everyday. Both on the freeway today and throughout the past 4yrs as things got rough. I have a love-hate relationship with Sacramento and today, driving home from Reno was the icing on the cake! Anyways, 8 hours later I am finally home safe and sound! Good looking out God! I appreciate what You're doing for me. I love You, Lord!