The Recovery Room

Ok so I was cleaning out my car and found a temporary parking permit from when my mom had her surgery, almost exactly 2 years ago. (yes I have cleaned my car since then, but kept it cause I collect tickets.) I don't know why I kept it actually, but I kept it. But I started thinking about all that all over again. The freaking long drive from work and school in Sacramento to Modesto where my mom was in the hospital. I remember being so worried about her. I sat in the room with her all the way up until they kicked me out. They told me I had to go because they were going to give her anesthesia and prep her for surgery even though her surgery wasn't scheduled to start for another 45 minutes. My dad had to leave but I sat there during the whole surgery and was too worried even to do my homework. The surgery didn't seem to take very long at all. The doctor came out and told me she made it through the surgery and everything went well. She was in the recovery room and I would be able to see her once they took her to her room. Oh my mercy it seemed like she was in the recovery room FOREVER!!! At least twice as long as she was in the operating room....

...Don't you just hate it when people talk about you when they really have no idea what's going on? My family cant keep a secret to save their lives. They are always talking about each other and all the skeletons in the closet. But to me that's different because they are family, actually do know whats going on and so they have a little room to talk. But when people just assume things, oh my mercy it drives me nuts!

So lately I've been a little more quiet and reserved than normal. Mainly because Ive been sick and Ive been tired. Mostly sick. Two weeks in a row Ive been hit by two random things, that thankfully seem to go as quickly as they came. I lost my voice last week and it took a few days to regain complete strength in my voice so work was extra tiring cause it hurt so much to yell over the loud little kids. Then last night I woke up in the middle of the night sicker than a dog. I spent the next couple hours running back and forth to the bathroom and was sick all the way up until I had to go to work. I don't know if it was a mild case of food poisoning or what but for whatever reason my stomach absolutely did not agree with that chicken salad with ranch I ate last night. I thought about calling in to work. But then I got a phone call saying a co-worker of mine had a stroke so obviously wouldn't be in to work. Wednesdays are always short handed at my job and now with her in the hospital  and if I were to leave then my staff would have been left there alone  - 2 people to watch 100 kids. That just simply will not work. So I tried to gather all my strength and go to work. I was tired and still not feeling well by the end of the day but headed to youth group. Upon arriving I was told to go home. I know they had the best of intentions since I didn't feel well, but heck no. I don't miss youth group for anything. I must be really really really sick to miss. Like honestly believe I'm dying sick. I love it there. And though I'm tired and sick, being there around those kids excites me, impassions me. There's absolutely no place else Id rather be when I need strength or encouragement. I love those kids so much. Tonight was good too. I got to pray with a sweet young girl. I didn't even know what to pray but I prayed for hecka long. It was obvious God took over and gave me the words to speak. She hecka broke. She was crying so hard. Shaking, sobbing. I was scared she was going to collapse cause she was crying so hard at one point. She was gripping my sweatshirt in her fists, holding me so tight as she clung to me. All I could do was hug her, hold her tightly and pray that God would use me as the arms of Jesus in that moment. My shoulder was soaking wet. Man what a blessing. Not that this girl is falling apart in my arms, but that she knows shes in a safe place and can fall apart and that the tears streaming down her face are evidence that God is touching her and speaking to her and that He used me, I got to see Him at work first hand! I love youth ministry.

Ive had a lot on my mind lately too with school and trying to figure out these last couple of classes. And Ive been stressed because its midterm, research paper and final time all in consecutive weeks, back to back. People understood when I was actually going to school that I have a lot of work to do but they don't seem to understand that taking it ISP is even more work, just cause I'm not going to the campus on a regular basis doesn't mean I don't have homework or stuff to do. I cant wait for this class to be over. Then I will just have to figure out what to do with my math class. How am I going to pay for it, where am I going to take it, when do I need to take it by, what classes will full fill the requirement, etc. Its a lot to figure out. And though I want to be done with school and I spent 22 years of my life working towards the goal of graduating college, it has been hard since I graduated. The enemy attacks when you enter Bible college, but dude he attacks even harder once you graduate. For 22 years that's all I have known is school. I only know how to be a student. That's all Ive ever been. That's who Ive been. Now all of a sudden I'm realizing that chapter and season in my life is coming to an end. Whats next? God knows, but I really don't know and though I trust Him it is really scary to think about.  Its just a lot.

God has been doing a lot of great things though and really has been speaking to me and molding and shaping my heart. He is such a good God. Camp was amazing. God did some amazing things in me and spoke to me quite a bit up there. Hes been speaking very loudly lately in my life. Things are changing. I'm changing. Its not always easy and it does take its toll. But ultimately it will be for the good and for God's glory. He's also been challenging me, stretching me, correcting me. Its like He has performed a major surgery on me.

I get annoyed with people sometimes. I don't have to answer to anyone except God. Yes I have Godly mentors in my life that have permission to speak to me as a parent speaking to a child. I have very few of those people though, for a reason. People don't know my past. Yes I have shared my testimony with people and a lot of people do know a lot about me and I have opened up a little about my past. But there are still a lot of things that I saw and experienced as a young child that are ingrained in me and I don't open up much as a result of those things. I'm used to keeping things bottled in. I share them with God of course. With my mentors when the time is right. But I don't have to share everything with Joe Schmoe off the street. My co workers know that they need to know and that's about it. They don't get me and I'm ok with that. I know where my identity lies. I don't owe anybody anything. You don't deserve an explanation as to why I am the way I am. If I choose to talk to you about it then consider yourself lucky because I don't often share things with my peers until they have come and passed. While I'm going through them, hardly. I hate when people think they know whats best for me. God knows whats best for me. Who are you? I don't even know whats best for me. Don't act like you know everything about me. I don't even know everything about me. Only God knows how many hairs are on my head and He holds my tears in His hands. Every single one of them Ive ever cried. He knows exactly how many are there. 

This is me. I am very comfortable being with myself. I would prefer to be quiet and just observe people all the time. I am very mellow by nature and an introvert. Just because Ive learned to adjust to an extroverted world and made friends who are mostly extroverts and realize that I need to be a people person in ministry doesn't mean that's who I really am. With my calling I must break out of my comfort zone on occasion, I realize this. I'm still shy though really. I'm quite content usually always. Anywhere doing anything I can be content. I'm a good actress and can act like I'm very outgoing. I can be loud, wild and crazy. But the real me is still the girl that would love to stay under covers for her whole life. Reading maybe. Writing maybe. Only venturing into the world to observe it. So when I act like myself I don't understand why people get so shocked. You obviously don't know me very well then. I'm a very calm person, it takes a lot to surprise me. Like a lot. A lot to stir any kind of emotion out of me actually.

God did a major surgery on me. Before my moms surgery they had to isolate her and they prepped her for surgery. They cleaned the area, and they gave her anesthesia that made her unaware of what was going on for a while. They performed the surgery and then she was in the recovery room for a very long time. Even after she came out of the recovery room she was still rather loopy and kind of groggy and out of it. I'm in that recovery room right now. Kinda groggy and out of it. That's not a bad thing. People go through seasons in their life so I just wish people would quit acting like its the end of the world. Everyone just assumes it means I'm struggling spiritually. I know God is good. I do. I wont ever forget that. I wont ever struggle over that. I was kind of out of it right before the major surgery God did too. Of course I was because He was prepping me. Thankfully, He cleaned me with the blood of the Lamb. The most sterile and cleansing. Washes my sins away. I wish people would just get it. I'm ok. I will always be ok. Always. Because I serve a good God. The day that I'm not ok is the day I will die and then I will be ok. Better than ok because I will be with God. I'm ok, I will always be ok.