Beautiful Disaster

She loves her mama's lemonade,Hates the sound that goodbyes make.She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.She swears that there's no difference,Between the lies and compliments.It's all the same if everybody leaves her.And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,The pictures that she's seen make her cry.And she would change everything, everything just ask her.Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster,And she just needs someone to take her home.She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.She never stays the same for long,Assuming that she'll get it wrong.Perfect only in her imperfections.She's not a drama queen,She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen, but tiredShe would change everything for happy ever after.Caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster,But she just needs someone to take her home.'Cause she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's OK.And she would change everything, everything just ask her.Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster,And she would change everything for happy ever after.Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster,But she just needs someone to take her homeAnd she just needs someone to take her home.

Motions

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
take me all the way (through the motions)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

If You Could Say One Thing...

Its been almost a month since Ive written and I still feel the same way. Nothing has changed really. Its actually been a really long time since Ive written. I need to work on that. This one is bound to be long since there's so much going on in my head right now. The other day we were all playing 20 questions and someone asked me, "If I could say one thing to my parents what would it be..." Seeing as I have said a lot to them I decided to answer, "I just wish they'd understand." That's how I feel with my friends now. I just wish they would understand how bad it hurts to be excluded. If being excluded werent enough, I also get harassed because "I never hang out any more." Hmmm...when was the last time I said no I dont want to hang out? Its been quite a while. I hang out any time Im invited somewhere usually. Oh but see when was the last time I was actually invited to do something? hmm...yeah. Its been quite a while. I get ridiculed for going to hang out with "my Sacramento friends" but not being down to spend time with "my Lodi friends." I have an answer for that too....uh, probably because "my Sacramento friends" actually invite me to do things! Also, when Im with them in big groups I dont feel like Im left out and sitting there all alone in a group of people. Anyways, I sound bitter, maybe I am, mostly just hurt and confused though. Lonely even. Im told it seems I have a lot on my mind and that its not healthy for my to hold it all in like that. Im sure that it probably isnt healthy but I also dont believe in speaking when Im still upset by something because I know myself and I know it will come out a lot harsher than neccessary. Hurt people hurt people. I want to build people up, not tear them down with my words and I know I am very capable of doing some major damage with words alone. So I continue to be isolated. Oh well...God is still good...moving on...

"It is not the multitude of hard duties, it is not constraint and contention that advance us in our Christian course. On the contrary, it is the yielding of our wills without restriction and without choice, to tread cheerfully every day in the path in which Providence leads us, to seek nothing, to be discouraged by nothing, to seek out duty in the present moment, to trust all else without reserve to the will and power of God."

A quote I found. I dont know who said it. At first I kind of skimmed over it. Then I saw it again on another website. "...to be discouraged by nothing..." that part stands out to me. I want to strive to tread cheerfully everyday in the path God leads me, to seek nothing and to be discouraged by nothing. Joy was once so strongly ingrained in me. The joy of the Lord will be your strength. Its even tattooed on me. Joy. I think I may have allowed life to zap me of my joy. I remember people always commenting on "why are you always smiling" people used to get mad at me for smiling so much believe it or not, they thought I was up to no good or something I dont know. I pray that my joy would be restored and that nothing would be able to discourage me. That's probably half my problem. Im allowing the decisions choice and actions of my friends, mere humans, discourage me. I serve a good God!!!! What the crap is my problem?! Why do I have anything to be discouraged about for my God is for me and not against me!

Its a constant battle, my spirit with my flesh. Theyre always yelling at each other in my head. Constant war, its exhuasting but yet I cannot give in, I cannot yield or slow down I must fight every day every hour! I am on the winning side. I will be victorious! I just hope theres not too many casualties along the way!

I want to start writing more again. Maybe 1500 words a week. Thats a very realistic goal for now. Just the process of writing makes some of the stale stagnant creative juices start flowing again. I want to start writing dramas for the youth to perform. They can and will dramatically impact lifes through drama. I know they can, Ive seen them do it before and I believe in them. Now, if I could just believe in myself and in my God, the ultimate Creator, who lives in me we'd be changing the world one skit at a time! Little old Lodi, who woulda thought something good could come out of Lodi...thats like something good coming outta Nazareth. Oh wait...

I dont know why he's been on my heart so strongly!!! I fought to stay awake late Wednesday night to pray for him, my last concious minutes were spent praying for him. I may have even fallen asleep mid prayer. Thursday morning as I awoke, even before I was out of bed I was praying for him. Today I was praying for him and still hes on my heart. I dont know why hes on my heart so heavily but I pray that God continues to give me this kind of compassion burden and passion to see the lives of my youth change as they surrender to Him. I hope to see him back again on Wednesday, I would LOVE to see him there on Sunday even!

I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND! 

I was reading a preview of this book online today and it was talking about how God's call always seems to be in your face constantly reminding you what you need to do. Its funny because I hear Thailand all the time, every where I turn. Theres a special on TV bout it. There is an ad on the side of my myspace page advertising I can call Thailand for cheap. The characters from a favorite TV show take a trip to Thailand. Random people at the table next to me in a restaurant are talking about Thailand. I defininitely know that I am called to Thailand and I know I will be there, all in due time though. I just would really love to be there right now!

Well, I'd probably continue to write except the battery in my laptop is about to die soon.

Dangerous

Alone: separate, apart, or isolated from others

Apart: separately or individually in consideration

Ignored: to refrain from noticing or recognizing

Isolated: separated from other persons or things; alone; solitary

Lonely: solitary; without company; companionless

Rejected: To refuse to recognize or give affection to, To discard as defective or useless

Unloved:  not loved

Unwanted: not wanted

Useless: of no use; not serving the purpose or any purpose; unavailing or futile:

Worthless: without worth; of no use, importance, or value; good-for-nothing

So all of these words kind of explain how I've been feeling lately. I feel as if my friends have been pushing me away and shutting me out. I feel betrayed, I feel forgotten and I feel as if no one cares. I feel as if I've slowly (yet all too quickly) been drifting apart from my friends, especially and more specifically my Lodi friends. I understand that people (myself included) get sick, have unexpected things come up, have more important priorities, etc but it seems like every time I make plans with someone they bail out on me. The few times they dont bail out on me they get caught up talking to someone else which ruins my plans or invite someone else to tag along on the few nights where I just need and want some one-on-one time with a certain friend. Maybe its just me being too sensitive, maybe Im just reading too much into everything. Maybe its the enemy just trying to mess with me and cause division. Maybe its God's way of teaching me to depend more on Him, to learn and trust He always wants me, He's always with me, will always make time for me and loves me to no end. I dont know what's going on. I do know though that in high school I tried to live my life without friends. I had given up all hope on people and figured what the heck, who needs friends anyway, they just cause more pain. I know that didnt work out too well, yet its tempting to slip back into that again now. Im the type of person who needs to know people believe in her, I need to know that people support me. If not, I have no desire to prove them wrong, I have no motivation, if they dont care why should I? I guess my friends dont really understand all that Im going through right now anyway, so its not fair to be so hard on them. Being out of school but not being finished with school has definately taken its toll on me, I havent adjusted as well as I had hoped, it was a lot harder for me than I ever would have thought. All the changes at the church in youth group, though I do believe they are for the better, havent been very easy on me either. All the family drama going on in my life during this season has without a doubt had a negative effect on me. Sudden changes to lifestyle and living arrangments as I have a new roomate havent been the easiest either, though it has been working out so far. Work is still work, as I mentioned before I dont hate it anymore but I still wonder what Im doing, why I got put at that school and I miss the way things used to be. I wonder where God is when Im there most days. On top of all of that the enemy has been bombarding me with fear, shame, doubt, guilt and pride. Its so hard to get free, act free and live free. Its so hard to function as a normal human being with this junk weighing down so heavily on me. Its like I cant even breathe. I just dont know what to do. When Im hurt I tend to push others away so some of this isolation is even my own doing and this is when I need my friends the most. I feel like Ive desperately been trying to cling to all of my friends and none of them even notice and just shake me off and trample over me. I wonder what Im supposed to do, where to go from here, what's the next step. Lodi is home, but my heart yearns for Thailand. Lodi is home, but the friends I dont feel betrayed by are all in Sacramento (or actually woodland/williams mostly!) I still know who my bestfriend is and He is simply amazing! I still yearn to be closer to Him and want to make Him happy. Ive really been meditating on the verse that says, "draw near to Me and I will draw near to you." Lord be with me, Lord I dont want to have any hard feelings towards any of my friends. Lord I thank you for each and every one of them. Im glad that you brought them into my life, whether it is just for a reason a season or if its for life I love each and every one of them dearly. Lord help me to continue to grow strong relationships and help me to overcome the enemy. Help me establish new friendships with people who you know need to be in my life and vice versa. Lord thank you for never leaving me, thank you for not needing me but wanting me nonetheless thank you for being the perfect bestfriend. I love you Jesus! In your precious and holy name I pray, the sweet and powerful name of Jesus. Amen

Idea Stolen From A Friend

A list of 25 things I want to do before I turn 25 (in no paticular order).

1. Go to Thailand

2. Go on a vacation (missions and camps do not count)

3. Read the Bible in chronological order

4. Take another sign language class

5. Loose 20lbs (at least)

6. Write more handwritten "snail mail" letters to people

7. Write 5 poems (at least) that I actually like

8. Read an entire commentary

7. Dream more

8. Spend an entire 24 hours without any electronics

9. Spend an entire 24 hours in completely silent solitude (no music, no talking, no phone, etc)

10. Actually obtain my BA degree even though I graduated (finish my 2 stinking classes left)

11. Visit another state Ive never been to before

12. Learn to feel God's presence with me at work

13. Pray for my parents' salvation more

14. Write creatively more

15. Completely organize all of my digital pictures

16. Take more pictures

17. Do something with the pictures I take

18. Get a CD player for my car

19. Taste a food Ive never heard of yet

20. Learn to put on makeup

21. Try something Ive never done before

22. Fix my old laptop

23. Teach someone something new

24. Personally pray with 25 people (at least) to receive either salvation or their prayer language

25. Pray for the physical healing of people more

Ministry or Marriage?

So I went to Santa Cruz the other weekend with a random, and I do mean RANDOM, group of friends...or people or something. And I was told something that really hit me hard. I don't know if it was supposed to be a compliment or an insult or just a statement but I took it as an insult. I did not like people making the statement that they did based on observations and things they've seen in my life. The person made a comment about how I seem to be thinking about marriage a lot. He said he has heard me talk about it quite a few times. Well, I suppose that's true. I do think about marriage, just like any other girl. But I don't want statements like that made about me. Id rather hear things like, "man, she's madly in love with her perfect Bridegroom!" Honestly, I think more about Him and my life in Him than about any thing else or any other portion of my life. If that's not coming across in my words and my actions and my lifestyle then maybe I'm doing something wrong. I don't know, that statement just really hit me hard. I don't even think it was intended to do so but it really made me start to think about things, yes marriage included. But I was sharing with my other half, Sofia, something that Ive thought about (more than once) but have never shared with anyone. I'm almost a little apprehensive about even writing it here but I doubt anyone other than Iris actually reads this blog anyway, and shes my online therapist so I'm not worried about her finding out about feelings, thoughts and emotions that run deep. But Ive heard my pastor talk about marriage and Ive seen quite a few newlyweds and their involvement in the church. He has said that hes not sure he would ever put a newlywed into ministry because their heads are in the clouds and they should be focusing on trying to make sure that they establish a good foundation in their marriage before they start working on ministry. So then I think about my life. The passion of my life is my youth. They are probably who I pray for the most, more than myself even. I day dream about youth ministry and think about them all the time! I love what I do. At first when I heard Jack talking about how much he loves what he does I thought yeah I do too but I don't go around talking about it like he does...but then I realized...no I really really really do love what I do, really. Its by no means easy but I love it. What happens if I find a guy, and want to settle down with him and eventually marry him? How will that effect my ministry? Will I have to step away for the first year of marriage? Or does pastor just mean he wont start someone in ministry that's a newlywed, but for me its different since I'm already involved in ministry? Of course all these digging deeper nights where we have been talking about relationships with married couples as guest speakers hasn't helped much either. But I'm terrified of getting married though I want to get married. I just realized this. I'm not scared of commitment or hard work or intimacy or anything of that sort, but I'm scared of how it will define me. Will I still be just as passionate about youth ministry? Will I relearn how to be a youth pastor who is married? Will I set a good example for my youth as I'm courting the man of my dreams? Will I get to spend as much time with my kids if I'm married? Probably wont be having too many late nights at In N Out anymore. It will more than likely change everything I know about ministering. Lord, I know you did not give me a Spirit of fear and Lord you know the desires of my heart. Maybe all these new changes in the youth are just one step closer to you easing me into a new season in my life...marriage? hmm. Lord, speak to me. Speak to him, wherever he is. Make sure that He has a passion to serve you and see others come to know you as I do. God change my life, molding it delicately in a manner that only you can do. Erase my fears and help develop me into a better minister and yet also someone worth marrying. God I love you, thank you for being my perfect Bridegroom. Thank you for always loving me and protecting me. My sweet sweet Jesus I love you. In your precious and holy name I pray. Amen

Go back and walk!

Bathroom run! Walk! Jasmin go back and walk! Noah go back and walk! Faith go back and walk! Walk, Alex! Please walk 2nd graders. I cant count how many times I say walk everyday! These kids run from point A to point B. But yet they don't want to run a mile when we ask them to. When we tell them to go back and walk they run back to their starting point and the start walking...do you really not get it?! Man, these kids! I get so annoyed of reminding kids to walk sometimes. Sometimes I just wanna say screw it. Let them run, let the kids be kids by golly! But I know the one time I don't remind them to walk will be the one time they fall and crack their head open. They are so hyped up sometimes that I would love to have them run off all their energy. They think they're so sly when they skip or hop. "I'm not running," they tell me. "Yeah, but you're not walking either and that's what I'm asking you to do." But I wonder to myself, why do we suppress their childlike behaviors? Kids grow up too fast as it is. If that's the only thing they are getting yelled at about then they are good kids and there is no need for us to constantly be yelling at them. If being yelled at to walk is the least of their worries then they probably hear enough yelling at home and need a break from it at school. Then I wish I had half the energy they did. I can barely muster up enough strength and energy to walk across the room sometimes let alone to run across the playground. Imagine the things I could do and accomplish if I had their energy. Why is youth wasted on the young? ha! Look at me, becoming a granny all of a sudden. Then I think about all the things I rushed through in life. Things that I should have stopped, or slowed down at least to really drink it all in. What have I missed because I was too busy rushing from here to there. Or even more heartbreaking, who have I missed by rushing to and fro. If I would slow down in life would I be more effective? Is that why we yell at the kids all the time to slow down? So they can be more effective. I doubt it. Effective in what? So they can be more effective at driving me insane? They got that down pretty good as it is. God help me to be childlike in my faith again, to be eager to get to the next place. Lord give me the energy to serve You more, glorify You more, to advance Your Kingdom Lord. But my God please help me to slow down and notice the things You are trying to show me. Help me to not miss anyone that is desperate for You and that is crying out for attention. Lord, change me and make me more like You. I need Thee every hour Lord, I love You, more and more each day!