Ministry or Marriage?

So I went to Santa Cruz the other weekend with a random, and I do mean RANDOM, group of friends...or people or something. And I was told something that really hit me hard. I don't know if it was supposed to be a compliment or an insult or just a statement but I took it as an insult. I did not like people making the statement that they did based on observations and things they've seen in my life. The person made a comment about how I seem to be thinking about marriage a lot. He said he has heard me talk about it quite a few times. Well, I suppose that's true. I do think about marriage, just like any other girl. But I don't want statements like that made about me. Id rather hear things like, "man, she's madly in love with her perfect Bridegroom!" Honestly, I think more about Him and my life in Him than about any thing else or any other portion of my life. If that's not coming across in my words and my actions and my lifestyle then maybe I'm doing something wrong. I don't know, that statement just really hit me hard. I don't even think it was intended to do so but it really made me start to think about things, yes marriage included. But I was sharing with my other half, Sofia, something that Ive thought about (more than once) but have never shared with anyone. I'm almost a little apprehensive about even writing it here but I doubt anyone other than Iris actually reads this blog anyway, and shes my online therapist so I'm not worried about her finding out about feelings, thoughts and emotions that run deep. But Ive heard my pastor talk about marriage and Ive seen quite a few newlyweds and their involvement in the church. He has said that hes not sure he would ever put a newlywed into ministry because their heads are in the clouds and they should be focusing on trying to make sure that they establish a good foundation in their marriage before they start working on ministry. So then I think about my life. The passion of my life is my youth. They are probably who I pray for the most, more than myself even. I day dream about youth ministry and think about them all the time! I love what I do. At first when I heard Jack talking about how much he loves what he does I thought yeah I do too but I don't go around talking about it like he does...but then I realized...no I really really really do love what I do, really. Its by no means easy but I love it. What happens if I find a guy, and want to settle down with him and eventually marry him? How will that effect my ministry? Will I have to step away for the first year of marriage? Or does pastor just mean he wont start someone in ministry that's a newlywed, but for me its different since I'm already involved in ministry? Of course all these digging deeper nights where we have been talking about relationships with married couples as guest speakers hasn't helped much either. But I'm terrified of getting married though I want to get married. I just realized this. I'm not scared of commitment or hard work or intimacy or anything of that sort, but I'm scared of how it will define me. Will I still be just as passionate about youth ministry? Will I relearn how to be a youth pastor who is married? Will I set a good example for my youth as I'm courting the man of my dreams? Will I get to spend as much time with my kids if I'm married? Probably wont be having too many late nights at In N Out anymore. It will more than likely change everything I know about ministering. Lord, I know you did not give me a Spirit of fear and Lord you know the desires of my heart. Maybe all these new changes in the youth are just one step closer to you easing me into a new season in my life...marriage? hmm. Lord, speak to me. Speak to him, wherever he is. Make sure that He has a passion to serve you and see others come to know you as I do. God change my life, molding it delicately in a manner that only you can do. Erase my fears and help develop me into a better minister and yet also someone worth marrying. God I love you, thank you for being my perfect Bridegroom. Thank you for always loving me and protecting me. My sweet sweet Jesus I love you. In your precious and holy name I pray. Amen