If You Could Say One Thing...

Its been almost a month since Ive written and I still feel the same way. Nothing has changed really. Its actually been a really long time since Ive written. I need to work on that. This one is bound to be long since there's so much going on in my head right now. The other day we were all playing 20 questions and someone asked me, "If I could say one thing to my parents what would it be..." Seeing as I have said a lot to them I decided to answer, "I just wish they'd understand." That's how I feel with my friends now. I just wish they would understand how bad it hurts to be excluded. If being excluded werent enough, I also get harassed because "I never hang out any more." Hmmm...when was the last time I said no I dont want to hang out? Its been quite a while. I hang out any time Im invited somewhere usually. Oh but see when was the last time I was actually invited to do something? hmm...yeah. Its been quite a while. I get ridiculed for going to hang out with "my Sacramento friends" but not being down to spend time with "my Lodi friends." I have an answer for that too....uh, probably because "my Sacramento friends" actually invite me to do things! Also, when Im with them in big groups I dont feel like Im left out and sitting there all alone in a group of people. Anyways, I sound bitter, maybe I am, mostly just hurt and confused though. Lonely even. Im told it seems I have a lot on my mind and that its not healthy for my to hold it all in like that. Im sure that it probably isnt healthy but I also dont believe in speaking when Im still upset by something because I know myself and I know it will come out a lot harsher than neccessary. Hurt people hurt people. I want to build people up, not tear them down with my words and I know I am very capable of doing some major damage with words alone. So I continue to be isolated. Oh well...God is still good...moving on...

"It is not the multitude of hard duties, it is not constraint and contention that advance us in our Christian course. On the contrary, it is the yielding of our wills without restriction and without choice, to tread cheerfully every day in the path in which Providence leads us, to seek nothing, to be discouraged by nothing, to seek out duty in the present moment, to trust all else without reserve to the will and power of God."

A quote I found. I dont know who said it. At first I kind of skimmed over it. Then I saw it again on another website. "...to be discouraged by nothing..." that part stands out to me. I want to strive to tread cheerfully everyday in the path God leads me, to seek nothing and to be discouraged by nothing. Joy was once so strongly ingrained in me. The joy of the Lord will be your strength. Its even tattooed on me. Joy. I think I may have allowed life to zap me of my joy. I remember people always commenting on "why are you always smiling" people used to get mad at me for smiling so much believe it or not, they thought I was up to no good or something I dont know. I pray that my joy would be restored and that nothing would be able to discourage me. That's probably half my problem. Im allowing the decisions choice and actions of my friends, mere humans, discourage me. I serve a good God!!!! What the crap is my problem?! Why do I have anything to be discouraged about for my God is for me and not against me!

Its a constant battle, my spirit with my flesh. Theyre always yelling at each other in my head. Constant war, its exhuasting but yet I cannot give in, I cannot yield or slow down I must fight every day every hour! I am on the winning side. I will be victorious! I just hope theres not too many casualties along the way!

I want to start writing more again. Maybe 1500 words a week. Thats a very realistic goal for now. Just the process of writing makes some of the stale stagnant creative juices start flowing again. I want to start writing dramas for the youth to perform. They can and will dramatically impact lifes through drama. I know they can, Ive seen them do it before and I believe in them. Now, if I could just believe in myself and in my God, the ultimate Creator, who lives in me we'd be changing the world one skit at a time! Little old Lodi, who woulda thought something good could come out of Lodi...thats like something good coming outta Nazareth. Oh wait...

I dont know why he's been on my heart so strongly!!! I fought to stay awake late Wednesday night to pray for him, my last concious minutes were spent praying for him. I may have even fallen asleep mid prayer. Thursday morning as I awoke, even before I was out of bed I was praying for him. Today I was praying for him and still hes on my heart. I dont know why hes on my heart so heavily but I pray that God continues to give me this kind of compassion burden and passion to see the lives of my youth change as they surrender to Him. I hope to see him back again on Wednesday, I would LOVE to see him there on Sunday even!

I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND! 

I was reading a preview of this book online today and it was talking about how God's call always seems to be in your face constantly reminding you what you need to do. Its funny because I hear Thailand all the time, every where I turn. Theres a special on TV bout it. There is an ad on the side of my myspace page advertising I can call Thailand for cheap. The characters from a favorite TV show take a trip to Thailand. Random people at the table next to me in a restaurant are talking about Thailand. I defininitely know that I am called to Thailand and I know I will be there, all in due time though. I just would really love to be there right now!

Well, I'd probably continue to write except the battery in my laptop is about to die soon.

Dangerous

Alone: separate, apart, or isolated from others

Apart: separately or individually in consideration

Ignored: to refrain from noticing or recognizing

Isolated: separated from other persons or things; alone; solitary

Lonely: solitary; without company; companionless

Rejected: To refuse to recognize or give affection to, To discard as defective or useless

Unloved:  not loved

Unwanted: not wanted

Useless: of no use; not serving the purpose or any purpose; unavailing or futile:

Worthless: without worth; of no use, importance, or value; good-for-nothing

So all of these words kind of explain how I've been feeling lately. I feel as if my friends have been pushing me away and shutting me out. I feel betrayed, I feel forgotten and I feel as if no one cares. I feel as if I've slowly (yet all too quickly) been drifting apart from my friends, especially and more specifically my Lodi friends. I understand that people (myself included) get sick, have unexpected things come up, have more important priorities, etc but it seems like every time I make plans with someone they bail out on me. The few times they dont bail out on me they get caught up talking to someone else which ruins my plans or invite someone else to tag along on the few nights where I just need and want some one-on-one time with a certain friend. Maybe its just me being too sensitive, maybe Im just reading too much into everything. Maybe its the enemy just trying to mess with me and cause division. Maybe its God's way of teaching me to depend more on Him, to learn and trust He always wants me, He's always with me, will always make time for me and loves me to no end. I dont know what's going on. I do know though that in high school I tried to live my life without friends. I had given up all hope on people and figured what the heck, who needs friends anyway, they just cause more pain. I know that didnt work out too well, yet its tempting to slip back into that again now. Im the type of person who needs to know people believe in her, I need to know that people support me. If not, I have no desire to prove them wrong, I have no motivation, if they dont care why should I? I guess my friends dont really understand all that Im going through right now anyway, so its not fair to be so hard on them. Being out of school but not being finished with school has definately taken its toll on me, I havent adjusted as well as I had hoped, it was a lot harder for me than I ever would have thought. All the changes at the church in youth group, though I do believe they are for the better, havent been very easy on me either. All the family drama going on in my life during this season has without a doubt had a negative effect on me. Sudden changes to lifestyle and living arrangments as I have a new roomate havent been the easiest either, though it has been working out so far. Work is still work, as I mentioned before I dont hate it anymore but I still wonder what Im doing, why I got put at that school and I miss the way things used to be. I wonder where God is when Im there most days. On top of all of that the enemy has been bombarding me with fear, shame, doubt, guilt and pride. Its so hard to get free, act free and live free. Its so hard to function as a normal human being with this junk weighing down so heavily on me. Its like I cant even breathe. I just dont know what to do. When Im hurt I tend to push others away so some of this isolation is even my own doing and this is when I need my friends the most. I feel like Ive desperately been trying to cling to all of my friends and none of them even notice and just shake me off and trample over me. I wonder what Im supposed to do, where to go from here, what's the next step. Lodi is home, but my heart yearns for Thailand. Lodi is home, but the friends I dont feel betrayed by are all in Sacramento (or actually woodland/williams mostly!) I still know who my bestfriend is and He is simply amazing! I still yearn to be closer to Him and want to make Him happy. Ive really been meditating on the verse that says, "draw near to Me and I will draw near to you." Lord be with me, Lord I dont want to have any hard feelings towards any of my friends. Lord I thank you for each and every one of them. Im glad that you brought them into my life, whether it is just for a reason a season or if its for life I love each and every one of them dearly. Lord help me to continue to grow strong relationships and help me to overcome the enemy. Help me establish new friendships with people who you know need to be in my life and vice versa. Lord thank you for never leaving me, thank you for not needing me but wanting me nonetheless thank you for being the perfect bestfriend. I love you Jesus! In your precious and holy name I pray, the sweet and powerful name of Jesus. Amen