Bridge Over Troubled Water

So I work for the Bridge Program. I loved it when I worked through City of Lodi, most days at least. I dreaded it when I started working through Lodi Unified. Most days. Not a whole lot has changed. The Bridge Program. What a quirky little name they picked out. Linking learning with fun. ha. More like Bridge Over Troubled Water. It's not as bad as it was. Seems to be getting a little bit better. I don't hate it anymore, most days. But I don't love it either. I still don't see God's hand at work there. I still don't feel God's presence there. I still don't know why God put me there. I know He did though. Some days I feel like I'm walking across that Bridge just fine, working the program. Some days I try to walk across the bridge and work the program but it doesn't seem to be working, then I look up and notice its because my Bridge is under water. Not even the bridge OVER troubled water, more like the bridge UNDER troubled water. But I noticed that they all have weaseled their little way into my heart. I first noticed it when I realized I wasn't gonna be there for a day. Just one day, that's all. I wont be there. I will still be available by phone, and oh believe me I will be calling in to check on them. I'm so worried about them, how will they be when I'm gone. Will they all be OK, will my staff run things OK, look after them alright? I'm beginning to think that half the time that's my problem. I try to do it all on my own and it just doesn't work out very well. But why do I lose my patience with them so fast. Some things my staff does that should bug me doesn't, they don't bother me really at all. But we don't mesh too well as a team either. Some days, probably most days, that's probably the problem. This particular group has never managed to click as a team. We get along just fine, everyone does their job just fine, but when you re working with kids you have got to have a united front and quite frankly we just don't have that. I'm so quick to snap at these kids and its not OK. They have managed to soften my heart though. Maybe if they just keep working their charm I will fall in love with them and it will all make things better. I don't know. At least it hasn't been as bad as it was. Although today was our first rainy day....100 kids stuck inside 1 cafeteria with no recess and no chance to burn off all their energy...YIKES! Finally things start to cool down and then God has to really cool things down with some rain. We'll see how that goes. Tomorrow of course is Halloween. Its either going to be a nice quiet day where all the kids go home early or don't show up at all...or its gonna be a crazy day...none of the kids listening all of them loud and excited for evening. Hopefully everyone is picked up early and I can get off early. Lord, use me to touch these kids and use these kids to touch me. Help soften my heart, give me patience but please don't test my patience. It's tested enough by these kids every day. God bless me, grant me peace and joy to carry with me into the darkness on this campus. Let my light shine your love like a city on a hill. Lord I love you, the first quarter is over and the second quarter is flying by. Time is going so fast and I don't want to feel like this year was a waste. I want to see lives changed this year, including my own. Help me with my attitude to set a good example for them. Lord I love you, help these kids to get to know You through me. Thank you Lord You are so good and so worthy. You are Holy my sweet Jesus. In your precious and powerful name I pray. Amen

Go back and walk!

Bathroom run! Walk! Jasmin go back and walk! Noah go back and walk! Faith go back and walk! Walk, Alex! Please walk 2nd graders. I cant count how many times I say walk everyday! These kids run from point A to point B. But yet they don't want to run a mile when we ask them to. When we tell them to go back and walk they run back to their starting point and the start walking...do you really not get it?! Man, these kids! I get so annoyed of reminding kids to walk sometimes. Sometimes I just wanna say screw it. Let them run, let the kids be kids by golly! But I know the one time I don't remind them to walk will be the one time they fall and crack their head open. They are so hyped up sometimes that I would love to have them run off all their energy. They think they're so sly when they skip or hop. "I'm not running," they tell me. "Yeah, but you're not walking either and that's what I'm asking you to do." But I wonder to myself, why do we suppress their childlike behaviors? Kids grow up too fast as it is. If that's the only thing they are getting yelled at about then they are good kids and there is no need for us to constantly be yelling at them. If being yelled at to walk is the least of their worries then they probably hear enough yelling at home and need a break from it at school. Then I wish I had half the energy they did. I can barely muster up enough strength and energy to walk across the room sometimes let alone to run across the playground. Imagine the things I could do and accomplish if I had their energy. Why is youth wasted on the young? ha! Look at me, becoming a granny all of a sudden. Then I think about all the things I rushed through in life. Things that I should have stopped, or slowed down at least to really drink it all in. What have I missed because I was too busy rushing from here to there. Or even more heartbreaking, who have I missed by rushing to and fro. If I would slow down in life would I be more effective? Is that why we yell at the kids all the time to slow down? So they can be more effective. I doubt it. Effective in what? So they can be more effective at driving me insane? They got that down pretty good as it is. God help me to be childlike in my faith again, to be eager to get to the next place. Lord give me the energy to serve You more, glorify You more, to advance Your Kingdom Lord. But my God please help me to slow down and notice the things You are trying to show me. Help me to not miss anyone that is desperate for You and that is crying out for attention. Lord, change me and make me more like You. I need Thee every hour Lord, I love You, more and more each day!

Naked Fruit

Its time to get back to the basics. Yes, I graduated from Bible College and I do probably have a lot of knowledge from there. I'm still working on the wisdom part though. But honestly, who cares about that. Do people really care that I know the difference between Homiletics and Hermeneutics? Non-believers sure as heck don't care, and most Christians probably couldn't give a rip either. Am I going to have to explain the difference between pre-millennial, post-millennial, and a-millennial views before I am allowed into Heaven? No, Jesus don't care so neither do I! I'm not trying to say that education isn't important. Believe me if I thought that I woulda dropped out a long time ago! But it isn't the most important. I can read out of a book that Christians should lay hands on the sick and pray for them, I can even read true-life stories about people who have seen miracles performed this way. But who cares if I have never actually layed hands on someone, prayed for them and seen them healed?! It means nothing. This little nugget of truth came to me a week or two ago after talking with Erin about how we know we are going to Heaven. Well, we get into Heaven by being saved. Well, how do we know we are saved? We know by being filled with the Holy Spirit, because God isn't going to put His Spirit in someone who isn't willing. So then how do we know we have been filled with the Holy Spirit? Is it because we fell on the ground one time and speak in tongues? No. Can you be filled with the Holy Spirit and not speak in tongues? Absolutely. So then how do you know? The fruit of the Spirit! That's when I first became interested again in the fruit of the Spirit. I thought nothing more of it after that, until now that is. But really, the fruit of the Spirit. Its time to get back to the basics. No one cares about the proper apologetic approach for each cultural group. I may know the definition to words such as Soteriological and Pneumatology, but who cares! It doesn't matter! Not many people even really care about what the text said in its original Hebrew or Greek. Maybe a few dedicated Christians, but definitely not any non-believers. But you know what people do care about, both Christians and non-Christians alike? The fruit of the Spirit! Who doesn't care about Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-control? No one, because everyone cares about that stuff! Its time to get back to the basics. The naked fruit. What can you do in life if you are not producing sweet fruit for your precious Lord Jesus? Not much. Are you even Christian if you are not producing any type of fruit? Hmm. That's a question to ponder. Anyways, I am going to dedicate this season to digging deeper into the fruit of the Spirit.I'm going to unpeel it! Not just skim over Galatians chapter 5, but to really examine it and determine what really matters and how it can change my life. It is the Word of God after all, I do expect it to change my life. I don't know what its going to look like after I'm done studying it. I don't know what I'm going to look like after I'm done. But I hope I produce more fruit. I'm really excited to see what I learn about peace. To rest in God. To rest in God at all times, even during times of labor. To rest in God even (gasp) at work! Wow, there's a thought! Lord, help me to rest in You! To trust in You more! To be content at work knowing that You are at work in my life all the time. In those kids' lives! Help them to see You in me. Help my co-workers see this peace I find in You and to yearn for it too. Help me to be a witness to them! Lord, show me what you want me to learn as I begin to study the fruit of the Spirit. Help me grow into the person you want me to be! Lord I love You and I want my life to produce fruit that glorifies You! Shape me, Lord! Lets get back to the basics. The fruit of the Spirit!

Work

I seriously wonder if I made the right decision. When I worked for the bridge program through city of Lodi I didnt really mind going to work most days. Now working for the bridge program through LUSD I dread going to work most days. I wonder if changing over was the right decision. I prayed that God would only open the doors He wanted me to go through. It seemed like this was completely God. He was providing more money through this job, which I would need to start paying off loans from Bible College. It offered insurance, which I needed so desperately. But I really dont like my job all that much anymore. I havent fallen in love with these kids at all. None of 'em really. I loved all the kids at Nichols. I loved all the little brats at Reese. Even though I hated Beckman I still fell in love with a few of the kids. But here at Borchardt...none of em really. Maybe I need to just give it some more time. I dont know. Ugh! It seems like it has been "one of those days" every day ever since I started this job. Is the money worth it is a question that comes to mind. I guess only time will tell. My devotional this morning talked about learning to focus on God in hard times. My random "daily reminder from God" on my home page also talked about focusing on God in hard times. Maybe I need to take a hint. God help me to focus on You in the midst of the chaos that happens at work. I will stay there as long as you want me to. Help me to not get so stressed out about things. Help me to remember You are still God, still good and still on the throne. No matter what, you are with me. Thank you Lord! I love you!