Dangerous

Alone: separate, apart, or isolated from others

Apart: separately or individually in consideration

Ignored: to refrain from noticing or recognizing

Isolated: separated from other persons or things; alone; solitary

Lonely: solitary; without company; companionless

Rejected: To refuse to recognize or give affection to, To discard as defective or useless

Unloved:  not loved

Unwanted: not wanted

Useless: of no use; not serving the purpose or any purpose; unavailing or futile:

Worthless: without worth; of no use, importance, or value; good-for-nothing

So all of these words kind of explain how I've been feeling lately. I feel as if my friends have been pushing me away and shutting me out. I feel betrayed, I feel forgotten and I feel as if no one cares. I feel as if I've slowly (yet all too quickly) been drifting apart from my friends, especially and more specifically my Lodi friends. I understand that people (myself included) get sick, have unexpected things come up, have more important priorities, etc but it seems like every time I make plans with someone they bail out on me. The few times they dont bail out on me they get caught up talking to someone else which ruins my plans or invite someone else to tag along on the few nights where I just need and want some one-on-one time with a certain friend. Maybe its just me being too sensitive, maybe Im just reading too much into everything. Maybe its the enemy just trying to mess with me and cause division. Maybe its God's way of teaching me to depend more on Him, to learn and trust He always wants me, He's always with me, will always make time for me and loves me to no end. I dont know what's going on. I do know though that in high school I tried to live my life without friends. I had given up all hope on people and figured what the heck, who needs friends anyway, they just cause more pain. I know that didnt work out too well, yet its tempting to slip back into that again now. Im the type of person who needs to know people believe in her, I need to know that people support me. If not, I have no desire to prove them wrong, I have no motivation, if they dont care why should I? I guess my friends dont really understand all that Im going through right now anyway, so its not fair to be so hard on them. Being out of school but not being finished with school has definately taken its toll on me, I havent adjusted as well as I had hoped, it was a lot harder for me than I ever would have thought. All the changes at the church in youth group, though I do believe they are for the better, havent been very easy on me either. All the family drama going on in my life during this season has without a doubt had a negative effect on me. Sudden changes to lifestyle and living arrangments as I have a new roomate havent been the easiest either, though it has been working out so far. Work is still work, as I mentioned before I dont hate it anymore but I still wonder what Im doing, why I got put at that school and I miss the way things used to be. I wonder where God is when Im there most days. On top of all of that the enemy has been bombarding me with fear, shame, doubt, guilt and pride. Its so hard to get free, act free and live free. Its so hard to function as a normal human being with this junk weighing down so heavily on me. Its like I cant even breathe. I just dont know what to do. When Im hurt I tend to push others away so some of this isolation is even my own doing and this is when I need my friends the most. I feel like Ive desperately been trying to cling to all of my friends and none of them even notice and just shake me off and trample over me. I wonder what Im supposed to do, where to go from here, what's the next step. Lodi is home, but my heart yearns for Thailand. Lodi is home, but the friends I dont feel betrayed by are all in Sacramento (or actually woodland/williams mostly!) I still know who my bestfriend is and He is simply amazing! I still yearn to be closer to Him and want to make Him happy. Ive really been meditating on the verse that says, "draw near to Me and I will draw near to you." Lord be with me, Lord I dont want to have any hard feelings towards any of my friends. Lord I thank you for each and every one of them. Im glad that you brought them into my life, whether it is just for a reason a season or if its for life I love each and every one of them dearly. Lord help me to continue to grow strong relationships and help me to overcome the enemy. Help me establish new friendships with people who you know need to be in my life and vice versa. Lord thank you for never leaving me, thank you for not needing me but wanting me nonetheless thank you for being the perfect bestfriend. I love you Jesus! In your precious and holy name I pray, the sweet and powerful name of Jesus. Amen

Idea Stolen From A Friend

A list of 25 things I want to do before I turn 25 (in no paticular order).

1. Go to Thailand

2. Go on a vacation (missions and camps do not count)

3. Read the Bible in chronological order

4. Take another sign language class

5. Loose 20lbs (at least)

6. Write more handwritten "snail mail" letters to people

7. Write 5 poems (at least) that I actually like

8. Read an entire commentary

7. Dream more

8. Spend an entire 24 hours without any electronics

9. Spend an entire 24 hours in completely silent solitude (no music, no talking, no phone, etc)

10. Actually obtain my BA degree even though I graduated (finish my 2 stinking classes left)

11. Visit another state Ive never been to before

12. Learn to feel God's presence with me at work

13. Pray for my parents' salvation more

14. Write creatively more

15. Completely organize all of my digital pictures

16. Take more pictures

17. Do something with the pictures I take

18. Get a CD player for my car

19. Taste a food Ive never heard of yet

20. Learn to put on makeup

21. Try something Ive never done before

22. Fix my old laptop

23. Teach someone something new

24. Personally pray with 25 people (at least) to receive either salvation or their prayer language

25. Pray for the physical healing of people more

And That My Friends, Is My Life

So it's a long story but I got all day, plenty of time to kill, some anger to burn off and no where to go. Thanksgiving. How did I know? Cause I know what alcohol does to people. Absolutely changes them and never for the good. So my parents are being stubborn and impatient and cant wait 10 mins (no seriously 10mins max) for me to take them to my aunts house for Thanksgiving Dinner. I warned them that they know what happens at every holiday and they were gonna be sorry that they had an extra vehicle there to try to figure out how to get it home once they got drunk. That's their problem. They know that every year we go through this because they just expect me to be the designated driver. They also know that every year at Thanksgiving it is tradition for all the cousins to go out to a movie and I look forward to participating in that. When it came time for me to leave so I wouldnt be late for the movie my parents werent ready to go. They wanted to sit around and drink more. They have no idea how absolutely mortified I was by them and their behaviors while under the influence. Im used to my dad being hammered all the time, no matter where we go or what we do. But my mom doesnt usually get drunk when she drinks...but she was absolutely smashed. She couldnt even walk without falling down and worst of all was going around kissing everyone on my dads side of the family. Are you kidding me?!?! Oh my mercy, I swear Im adopted! Finally, I convince them to head out with me so I can make it to the movies...probably just in time for the previews to be finishing by this point. I was going to take my dads truck so that his vehicle would be home and I would sacrifice and figure out how to get my car home later. Plus it was an opportunity to take my dads truck cause I love to drive that thing, and why not use his gas in this economy? We were walking out to the truck about to get in when I realized it was a tight squeeze getting out with the cars parked in front of us and behind us. I probably could have made it, but I did not want to attempt to do so with my drunken father in the truck with me yelling at me and all worried about his stupid truck. He takes better care of that thing than he does of me, shoot he treats the stupid parrot and dog better than he treats me for that matter. So I decide that oh nevermind lets just take my car. My dad says he could talk me out of the parking spot and Id be fine, and Im sure I would be but I did not want to deal with him because I could tell he was in his mean drunk state of mind. I really dont know what happened but my parents freaked out that I wanted to take them home in my car. Its like they saw it as a personal attack or something and they snapped and started screaming and yelling at me in the middle of the street. Then one of the parents of one of the kids in my program at work walks out of his house, of course it happens to be the one Im parked in front of. Great. I love my life. He's watching the whole situation as my parents are standing in the middle of the street yelling at me. My dad gets pissed off. Go figure. And decides to try to prove a point or something, like he doesnt need me and announces that nevermind he didnt have time for this BS and that he is going to drive his truck home then. ha! You cant even see straight and you want to drive? on Thanksgiving. Thats intelligent. He demands for his keys. At first I didnt give them to him, why would I? Thats stupid. But he gets to the point where he is beyond mean and saying all sorts of things and forces me to give him the keys. I see them stagger towards the truck and start crying, scared of my parents own stupidity and the ridiculous affects alcohol has on people. I head back inside to my aunts house crying. My family sees me I explain what happened out on the street and my aunts go out to try to stop my dad from driving. My Grandma, who is my hero, my role model, my everything...comes and gives me a hug and shes shaking because shes so scared for my dad. She explains that their actions are not my fault and I did nothing wrong but then suggests at least that I follow my parents home to make sure they get home safe. So I head back outside and luckily it seems my aunts managed to get the keys from my dad. He sees me starting to walk up to them and starts screaming at me, "no, go...get out of here. You've done enough you need to get out of my life...go, just go on. etc" Ok, the dad who was never a part of my life until I was 16 now wants me back out of his life. right on. It wasnt even the words he was saying but it was the sound of pure hate in his voice and look of absolute disgust on his face that broke my heart. I hear my aunts telling him how much I do for him and I hear my mom telling him as shes crying now that hurting me isnt gonna make things any better. But apparently he doesnt care. Be little anyone and everyone just so you can finally feel high and mighty. It didnt matter. I knew my aunt was gonna drive them home and I was safe. I go back in side, shattered in a million pieces. Can we just go to the movie now? I didnt want anyone asking me if I was ok, or hugging me or telling me its not my fault...I just want to go to the movie and be left alone in the dark. My dad calls over and over again as the previews start, but my parents know I was going to the traditional thanksgiving movie with the cousins anyway so why would I answer in the theatre and especially for him at that time. He leaves a voicemail. I listened to it during the previews. He was telling me what a disappointment I am and how "dumbfounded" (his new word, dont ask, I dont know) but over and over again I here how dumbfounded he is by my actions and that its really hard to explain but I just dont know what Ive done. I still am absolutely unaware of what I did to set them off like that. Not give you your car keys? Offer to go out of my way, leave my cousins and drive you home? I really dont know. I thought some hurtful things that I would have liked to say but decided against it but you cant really hurt alcohol and God is dealing with me about saying things to my parents when Im angry. But I just deleted that voicemail and sank down in my seat, wishing he was calling to apologize but upset he was telling me what a disappointment I am and how he has no respect for me and what not. I thought the worst was over and was ready to watch the movie. Then my dad calls back and leaves a voicemail telling me that he finally convinces my mom to move in with him and that now rent and all the bills and everything were my problem and "good luck with that and have a nice life and hope everything works out for you." UGH! Whatever! Turns out the movie sucked really bad too. I really didnt like it at all. But on the bright side Anthony was working and gave me and all my cousins free tickets. He has no idea like how that one little gesture changed my night. My family was hecka humbled by that too. But even though Im upset and hurt Im alright. Like I feel proud of myself that this didnt even shake my faith. I got those voicemails and was like, "I dont know whats gonna happen God, but you do. I know youre good. My true Heavenly Father. You got everything under control and youre gonna take care of me." I aint even gonna trip off it, like it hurts but it makes me think, like to the enemy, "really, is that all you got, I'll take your best shot!" haha I love that song! God is good and faithful. With Him, I can get through anything. I love You Lord!

She Wanted To Blame The Knife

Its like the story of Barbra, Peter and Kelli. Barbra was an amazing woman, she had everything going for her but the enemy had her so blinded that she was very insecure about herself, and she didnt even realize she was insecure. She saw that two of her closest friends were getting closer, Kelli and Peter. So, Barbra (still completely unaware of what she was doing) tried to sabotage their friendship because it made her even more insecure. She managed to convince Peter to hold out a knife every time he talked to Kelli, but even Peter was unaware of what was really going on. He didnt see it as a way to harm Kelli. All 3 of them had no idea what was coming because the enemy continued to keep Barbra blinded and wrapped up in drama because he knew how unbelievably powerful she had the potential to be. So Peter and Kelli were talking one day and Peter still continued to hold the knife in his hand. He knew it was dangerous but did not think it would actually hurt anyone. Barbra saw the two of them talking and as Kelli turned away from Peter to walk away Barbra apporoached her and got her to slowly back up. She kept urging Kelli to get closer to Peter. The whole time, she saw Peter there with the knife and saw that if Kelli continued to back up she would back up right into the knife. Instead of stopping Kelli from going any further she just watched as she continued to back towards Peter, to the point that Peter accidently but eventually ended up stabbing Kelli in the back.

It wasnt Peters fault, it wasnt even Barbras fault and Kelli wanted to blame the knife, but it wasn the poor knifes fault either, it was just doing what it was supposed to do...it was only Kellis fault for not being more careful.

Proverbs 4:23 "above all else, guard your heart for it effects everyhing you do."

Kelli knew this verse, very well. In fact, it was and still is hanging on her bedroom wall.

Kelli also knew another verse proving why she needed to heed the advice of proverbs...

Matthew 12:34 "for out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks."

Its Kellis fault for not being more careful, Kelli got SERIOUSLY hurt. However, Barbra could have prevented the situation, she could have warned Kelli that Peter was holding a knife.

DISC Personality

Inspired by a friend's results...you tell me, does this sound like me? In your opinion, what part sounds the most like me?

People with my score:

~ tend to want peace and harmony.
~ prefer to let others initiate action and resolve problems.  
~ are quiet and indirect in their approach to most situations. 
~ are usually cautious and calculate risks carefully before acting.

They are generally well liked because of their mild and gentle nature.Other people will tend to see them as being patient, calm, thoughtful and a good listener.

~ are strongly interested in meeting and being with people.  
~ are generally optimistic, outgoing, and socially skilled.
~ are quick at establishing relationships.  

 

Sometimes their concern for people and people’s feelings may make them reluctant to disturb a favourable situation or relationship.

 

~ tend to enjoy change and variety in their work and non-work life.  
~ are expansive by nature and tend not to like routine and repetitive work/activities.  

 

They enjoy stretching themselves intellectually and physically.

~ are independent and uninhibited.  
~ resent rules and restrictions.  
~ prefer to be measured by results and are always willing to try the untried. 

 

Free in thought, word and deed, they long for freedom and go to great lengths to achieve it.
They feel that repetitive detail and routine work is best 'delegated'.

The Recovery Room

Ok so I was cleaning out my car and found a temporary parking permit from when my mom had her surgery, almost exactly 2 years ago. (yes I have cleaned my car since then, but kept it cause I collect tickets.) I don't know why I kept it actually, but I kept it. But I started thinking about all that all over again. The freaking long drive from work and school in Sacramento to Modesto where my mom was in the hospital. I remember being so worried about her. I sat in the room with her all the way up until they kicked me out. They told me I had to go because they were going to give her anesthesia and prep her for surgery even though her surgery wasn't scheduled to start for another 45 minutes. My dad had to leave but I sat there during the whole surgery and was too worried even to do my homework. The surgery didn't seem to take very long at all. The doctor came out and told me she made it through the surgery and everything went well. She was in the recovery room and I would be able to see her once they took her to her room. Oh my mercy it seemed like she was in the recovery room FOREVER!!! At least twice as long as she was in the operating room....

...Don't you just hate it when people talk about you when they really have no idea what's going on? My family cant keep a secret to save their lives. They are always talking about each other and all the skeletons in the closet. But to me that's different because they are family, actually do know whats going on and so they have a little room to talk. But when people just assume things, oh my mercy it drives me nuts!

So lately I've been a little more quiet and reserved than normal. Mainly because Ive been sick and Ive been tired. Mostly sick. Two weeks in a row Ive been hit by two random things, that thankfully seem to go as quickly as they came. I lost my voice last week and it took a few days to regain complete strength in my voice so work was extra tiring cause it hurt so much to yell over the loud little kids. Then last night I woke up in the middle of the night sicker than a dog. I spent the next couple hours running back and forth to the bathroom and was sick all the way up until I had to go to work. I don't know if it was a mild case of food poisoning or what but for whatever reason my stomach absolutely did not agree with that chicken salad with ranch I ate last night. I thought about calling in to work. But then I got a phone call saying a co-worker of mine had a stroke so obviously wouldn't be in to work. Wednesdays are always short handed at my job and now with her in the hospital  and if I were to leave then my staff would have been left there alone  - 2 people to watch 100 kids. That just simply will not work. So I tried to gather all my strength and go to work. I was tired and still not feeling well by the end of the day but headed to youth group. Upon arriving I was told to go home. I know they had the best of intentions since I didn't feel well, but heck no. I don't miss youth group for anything. I must be really really really sick to miss. Like honestly believe I'm dying sick. I love it there. And though I'm tired and sick, being there around those kids excites me, impassions me. There's absolutely no place else Id rather be when I need strength or encouragement. I love those kids so much. Tonight was good too. I got to pray with a sweet young girl. I didn't even know what to pray but I prayed for hecka long. It was obvious God took over and gave me the words to speak. She hecka broke. She was crying so hard. Shaking, sobbing. I was scared she was going to collapse cause she was crying so hard at one point. She was gripping my sweatshirt in her fists, holding me so tight as she clung to me. All I could do was hug her, hold her tightly and pray that God would use me as the arms of Jesus in that moment. My shoulder was soaking wet. Man what a blessing. Not that this girl is falling apart in my arms, but that she knows shes in a safe place and can fall apart and that the tears streaming down her face are evidence that God is touching her and speaking to her and that He used me, I got to see Him at work first hand! I love youth ministry.

Ive had a lot on my mind lately too with school and trying to figure out these last couple of classes. And Ive been stressed because its midterm, research paper and final time all in consecutive weeks, back to back. People understood when I was actually going to school that I have a lot of work to do but they don't seem to understand that taking it ISP is even more work, just cause I'm not going to the campus on a regular basis doesn't mean I don't have homework or stuff to do. I cant wait for this class to be over. Then I will just have to figure out what to do with my math class. How am I going to pay for it, where am I going to take it, when do I need to take it by, what classes will full fill the requirement, etc. Its a lot to figure out. And though I want to be done with school and I spent 22 years of my life working towards the goal of graduating college, it has been hard since I graduated. The enemy attacks when you enter Bible college, but dude he attacks even harder once you graduate. For 22 years that's all I have known is school. I only know how to be a student. That's all Ive ever been. That's who Ive been. Now all of a sudden I'm realizing that chapter and season in my life is coming to an end. Whats next? God knows, but I really don't know and though I trust Him it is really scary to think about.  Its just a lot.

God has been doing a lot of great things though and really has been speaking to me and molding and shaping my heart. He is such a good God. Camp was amazing. God did some amazing things in me and spoke to me quite a bit up there. Hes been speaking very loudly lately in my life. Things are changing. I'm changing. Its not always easy and it does take its toll. But ultimately it will be for the good and for God's glory. He's also been challenging me, stretching me, correcting me. Its like He has performed a major surgery on me.

I get annoyed with people sometimes. I don't have to answer to anyone except God. Yes I have Godly mentors in my life that have permission to speak to me as a parent speaking to a child. I have very few of those people though, for a reason. People don't know my past. Yes I have shared my testimony with people and a lot of people do know a lot about me and I have opened up a little about my past. But there are still a lot of things that I saw and experienced as a young child that are ingrained in me and I don't open up much as a result of those things. I'm used to keeping things bottled in. I share them with God of course. With my mentors when the time is right. But I don't have to share everything with Joe Schmoe off the street. My co workers know that they need to know and that's about it. They don't get me and I'm ok with that. I know where my identity lies. I don't owe anybody anything. You don't deserve an explanation as to why I am the way I am. If I choose to talk to you about it then consider yourself lucky because I don't often share things with my peers until they have come and passed. While I'm going through them, hardly. I hate when people think they know whats best for me. God knows whats best for me. Who are you? I don't even know whats best for me. Don't act like you know everything about me. I don't even know everything about me. Only God knows how many hairs are on my head and He holds my tears in His hands. Every single one of them Ive ever cried. He knows exactly how many are there. 

This is me. I am very comfortable being with myself. I would prefer to be quiet and just observe people all the time. I am very mellow by nature and an introvert. Just because Ive learned to adjust to an extroverted world and made friends who are mostly extroverts and realize that I need to be a people person in ministry doesn't mean that's who I really am. With my calling I must break out of my comfort zone on occasion, I realize this. I'm still shy though really. I'm quite content usually always. Anywhere doing anything I can be content. I'm a good actress and can act like I'm very outgoing. I can be loud, wild and crazy. But the real me is still the girl that would love to stay under covers for her whole life. Reading maybe. Writing maybe. Only venturing into the world to observe it. So when I act like myself I don't understand why people get so shocked. You obviously don't know me very well then. I'm a very calm person, it takes a lot to surprise me. Like a lot. A lot to stir any kind of emotion out of me actually.

God did a major surgery on me. Before my moms surgery they had to isolate her and they prepped her for surgery. They cleaned the area, and they gave her anesthesia that made her unaware of what was going on for a while. They performed the surgery and then she was in the recovery room for a very long time. Even after she came out of the recovery room she was still rather loopy and kind of groggy and out of it. I'm in that recovery room right now. Kinda groggy and out of it. That's not a bad thing. People go through seasons in their life so I just wish people would quit acting like its the end of the world. Everyone just assumes it means I'm struggling spiritually. I know God is good. I do. I wont ever forget that. I wont ever struggle over that. I was kind of out of it right before the major surgery God did too. Of course I was because He was prepping me. Thankfully, He cleaned me with the blood of the Lamb. The most sterile and cleansing. Washes my sins away. I wish people would just get it. I'm ok. I will always be ok. Always. Because I serve a good God. The day that I'm not ok is the day I will die and then I will be ok. Better than ok because I will be with God. I'm ok, I will always be ok.

The Thing

I could tell by her countenance that she was hurting. Something was deeply troubling her. My heart broke just looking at this little girl. I offered to pray for her and she eagerly accepted. I asked if there was anything specific she needed prayer for. "Well, my friend..." then she looked up at me with uncertainty in her eyes. She quickly changed her tone of voice, "My friend, my friends, all of my friends, they all need prayer." I thought it was sweet she wanted me to pray for her friends and ironically I felt like I should specifically pray for her friends before I even approached her. But there was something more. I prayed for her friends. Prayed for their salvation and understanding. I prayed for them each briefly. Then I gave her a hug and reminded her that I love her. I couldn't see her face as she was clinging to me but it was almost as if I could hear her swallow the lump in her throat and feel her fight back the tears forming in her eyes. I asked her, "Now whats really there, deep down inside. What can I pray about for you?" She looked at me still uncertain. "Will I still love her if she tells me her deepest secret? Will it stop tearing her apart if she finally spoke to someone about it and I was able to pray for her? Would God really be able to heal her in that area?" I'm sure were all some of the thoughts that crossed her mind. I could see the wheels turning, her mind racing as all these thoughts went through her head. I could feel the enemy approaching and I'm sure he started whispering lies to her. "You cant be that vulnerable, she wont love you anymore, you'll lose all of your friends, everyone will hate you, you re a freak, prayer wont work, God doesn't hear you." Lies, all lies from the pit of hell. The enemy was trying hard to cripple this precious little girl. "Well..." she finally began to speak. "Well, there is one thing you can pray for me about...every night I think and I wonder and I pray if..." she began to be a little more transparent with me, she was vulnerable. I prayed for her. I knew this thing she asked me to pray for her bothered her, but it wasn't the thing ripping her to shreds. It wasn't the thing that kept her awake at night. It wasn't the thing that made her withdraw from her friends, afraid of what they would think. It wasn't the thing that threatened to send her into a perpetual downward spiral of depression. It was a thing, it wasn't THE thing. She was too scared to really let go and let God. She couldn't completely open up to me. She shared just enough with me to get me to think she was telling me the truth, but it wasn't the whole truth. She dared to be transparent but not raw. She just couldn't bring herself to ask for prayer. Shes so sweet, so young, so innocent. I know without a doubt nothing could make me love her less. But the enemy is relentless. He keeps her in his grip with shame and doubt over this thing, this one thing. She shared, she shared enough but it wasn't all of it. Maybe another day she would finally divulge all of it. Expose herself and find that nothing but God's pure love would come rushing in. I felt for her. I wished she wouldn't let the enemy do this to her. Then I started thinking about my own life. How many times have I been there. Far too many. That's why my heart goes out to her. Because Ive been there, time and time again. Ive wanted to share THE THING with friends and ask for help and prayer and love. The enemy is strong and clever though. He never tires. I will expose just enough of the truth to make my friends and family think Ive shared all with them, but really I'm just covering up whats really there. I try to distract them and entice them with some other bit of truth luring them away from the real truth. The whole truth. I see hope begin to rush in and I assist the enemy in blocking it. No, they will never understand. They wont care. What will they think. No, never. I just cant. Everything else but not this one thing. No. I cant. But I have to. I cant though. Pride rises. Hope is extinguished. Why? Why does this little girl continually do this to herself? Why? Lord, why?

Bridge Over Troubled Water

So I work for the Bridge Program. I loved it when I worked through City of Lodi, most days at least. I dreaded it when I started working through Lodi Unified. Most days. Not a whole lot has changed. The Bridge Program. What a quirky little name they picked out. Linking learning with fun. ha. More like Bridge Over Troubled Water. It's not as bad as it was. Seems to be getting a little bit better. I don't hate it anymore, most days. But I don't love it either. I still don't see God's hand at work there. I still don't feel God's presence there. I still don't know why God put me there. I know He did though. Some days I feel like I'm walking across that Bridge just fine, working the program. Some days I try to walk across the bridge and work the program but it doesn't seem to be working, then I look up and notice its because my Bridge is under water. Not even the bridge OVER troubled water, more like the bridge UNDER troubled water. But I noticed that they all have weaseled their little way into my heart. I first noticed it when I realized I wasn't gonna be there for a day. Just one day, that's all. I wont be there. I will still be available by phone, and oh believe me I will be calling in to check on them. I'm so worried about them, how will they be when I'm gone. Will they all be OK, will my staff run things OK, look after them alright? I'm beginning to think that half the time that's my problem. I try to do it all on my own and it just doesn't work out very well. But why do I lose my patience with them so fast. Some things my staff does that should bug me doesn't, they don't bother me really at all. But we don't mesh too well as a team either. Some days, probably most days, that's probably the problem. This particular group has never managed to click as a team. We get along just fine, everyone does their job just fine, but when you re working with kids you have got to have a united front and quite frankly we just don't have that. I'm so quick to snap at these kids and its not OK. They have managed to soften my heart though. Maybe if they just keep working their charm I will fall in love with them and it will all make things better. I don't know. At least it hasn't been as bad as it was. Although today was our first rainy day....100 kids stuck inside 1 cafeteria with no recess and no chance to burn off all their energy...YIKES! Finally things start to cool down and then God has to really cool things down with some rain. We'll see how that goes. Tomorrow of course is Halloween. Its either going to be a nice quiet day where all the kids go home early or don't show up at all...or its gonna be a crazy day...none of the kids listening all of them loud and excited for evening. Hopefully everyone is picked up early and I can get off early. Lord, use me to touch these kids and use these kids to touch me. Help soften my heart, give me patience but please don't test my patience. It's tested enough by these kids every day. God bless me, grant me peace and joy to carry with me into the darkness on this campus. Let my light shine your love like a city on a hill. Lord I love you, the first quarter is over and the second quarter is flying by. Time is going so fast and I don't want to feel like this year was a waste. I want to see lives changed this year, including my own. Help me with my attitude to set a good example for them. Lord I love you, help these kids to get to know You through me. Thank you Lord You are so good and so worthy. You are Holy my sweet Jesus. In your precious and powerful name I pray. Amen

Empty handed but alive in Your hands

Dear Lord Jesus,

I don't even know where to begin Lord. I'm gonna just start by praising You. Thank you for everything Lord. For bringing me here to this camp, for the friends that surround me, for the air I breathe, for my next breath. God you are amazing. God speak to me I sang and prayed. Speak to me. Then I began to magnify Your name. No other name, the name above all names, a strong and mighty tower, a shelter like no other. Your name. JESUS! And you reminded me of the same verse that Sofia gave me earlier today, one that you have obviously been trying to minister to me with for a while now. I'm sorry that I brushed it off when she gave it to me Lord. I looked it up, I smiled, I was thankful, but I didn't get it. You spoke it to me and it was all I needed to hear. Philippians 1:6 "And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." God you will. You WILL. Not you want to, but may not get around to it, you WILL. It is Your will to finish that work in me. Lord thank you, thank you for breaking me at that point. Then God as I heard and saw the altar call being given for those wanting to be baptized with the Holy Spirit and receive their prayer language, the sobbing began when I saw Serena go up there. That's my team, that's my left arm, that's my sister and I was so proud of her Lord. I was so happy for her, cause though she had just walked up I knew she was going to receive it. God I thought, "do you know what this going to mean for our ministry that we just started together?!" Do you know?! Do I know?! This is what she needs, this what I need, this is what we need, this is what Uturn needs! The power that comes from your Holy Spirit and now everyone of the 3-(wo)man team has had that encounter with you. My Lord, thank you Jesus! Then I began to sob when I saw Beckie go up there. I was shocked but so proud and so happy as well. I knew at that point, without a shadow of a doubt, that last night's conversation was in preparation for tonight...all around, all across the board. That conversation may have seemed to just flow naturally as we chit chatted but I know it was God breathed, God inspired, God appointed. That's just it Lord, as Christians it should be natural to work in the supernatural. It doesn't need to be weird or spooky.Then God I saw Jerrica go up there and Erin. Lord thank you! I don't think I've ever cried that hard in my life. I didn't know people actually can run out of tears until it happened to me tonight and then I still continued to bawl and weep, completely out of tears. I knew we would be talking about promises tonight and I couldn't really think of any that were given to me at a specific time for a specific purpose. I thought, man I am the facilitator of the group, how am I supposed to talk to them about promises if I don't even have any. Then God forgive me as I was tempted to begin to make excuses and whine about how hard it has been to live my life and continue to persevere without a promise to hold on to and to give me hope, encouragement and strength. But it really hasn't been that hard, you are my everything and the Bible is filled with promise and hope and strength and encouragement. But then God I started singing, "stir it up in my heart Lord...a passion that this world cannot contain" I was still sobbing so uncontrollably, doubled over even because I was crying so hard. God you know that I came here for clarification on a few certain things. I'm still not 100% sure you have given me clarity on those things but God you spoke to me tonight, and God last night you gave me such a peace about these things that clarity almost seems unnecessary. God my promise is that you WILL finish the work inside of me. Then when Dottie came over and stood with me I knew I was about to collapse in a heap if she wasn't securely holding me up. She started speaking into my life. God I love Dottie. Shes such an inspiration. She reminds me of me and I want to be able to pick myself up the way she has if I ever get to a point like that in my life. God she started speaking about my passion. She said that I will never loose it. That I still have it. It will always be in me. She told me that I have never failed you. I feel like I have, time and time again I feel like I have. Over and over again. I'm a mess. I'm sorry Lord, forgive me. Then God she started to speak about the desires of my heart. She said that you knew all of my desires, all of my hopes, all of my dreams and she said I will see all of them come to pass. She told me, "hold on to that promise." I don't know if that was confirmation for everything I was praying last night, I don't know if that was clarity but God I know that you WILL. You WILL Lord! Thank you Jesus! Don't I know that you are a good God and you know every part of me and that you will give me the desires of my heart - those desires that you placed there for a reason. God speak to me. The weekend isn't over. Speak real loud and real clear to me about this one. Lord speak to me. God then I began to cry yet again as we started singing... "empty handed but alive in Your hands" God I am certainly empty handed. I have absolutely nothing to offer, nothing to bring to the table. I am worthless and unworthy. But Lord your blood, there is power in your blood. It washes me white as snow. I am empty handed but alive in your hands. That's all that matters. Lord I am amazed by your goodness and grace. The events that took place after all of this happened I will always be grateful for. Lord things that I don't dare to even mention. You know though my God. Thank you. Lord walls were broken, chains were broken, bondage was released and there was freedom. Thank you. I thank you for putting me in this black hole, little ol' Lodi. Lord you know how bad I wanted out at times but I know that you put me here for a reason and I don't even understand why you chose to bless me this much, why do I get to experience Lodi and these wonderful people? Lord thank you. You are so good and you are so worthy. It is in your precious and holy name that I pray, the sweet and powerful name of Jesus. JESUS! Amen

I Wanna Do This Right...

I wanna do this right this time God. Im tired of messing up. Lord thank you for using me even though I am a screw up. God I wanna do this right this time. Lord help me to do it right this time. Lord forgive me for all of my mistakes. Lord continue to teach me through my mistakes and please continue to love me without reason. It is only your love and your grace that gets me through these things. Lord I wanna do this right, Im ready for a change and yet dont know how to change. Im ready for a change and yet scared to change. Im ready for a change and yet dont want to change. God change me. Lord I want to do it right this time. God Im scared to death yet Im so ready for it. I know you do not give us a spirit of fear so that fear is coming from some where for some reason. But I dont really notice it most of the time. It is only when I am truly honest with you and with myself that I realize oh man Lord Im terrified but excited to see what youre gonna do with this. Lord I want to do this right, help me to do it right this time. God speak to me, now and at a camp and when we come home. Be real loud and real clear with me on this matter. You know how dense I am Lord. God I need you in my life more and more and I want you in my life more and more. More this minute than even 30 seconds ago my Jesus. Lord how much have I ruined by all of my mistakes? God Im not sure I want an answer to that, just help me to get on the right track and stay there for good. You know me Lord, you know my heart. You know that over the past couple of weeks Ive prayed more than ever before about this. Lord I have a hard time thinking about anything else. Lord I need clarity because my Lord I do not want to mess this up. I wanna do it right this time! Im tired of beating my head against a brick wall over and over again, Im tired of making the same mistakes and learning the same lessons over and over again. satan you have no power over me, I will not fear for my future is decided, you have no hold over me for I am washed in the blood of Jesus, you will not defeat me, victory has been promised, get behind me satan because quite frankly you suck!