If You Could Say One Thing...

Its been almost a month since Ive written and I still feel the same way. Nothing has changed really. Its actually been a really long time since Ive written. I need to work on that. This one is bound to be long since there's so much going on in my head right now. The other day we were all playing 20 questions and someone asked me, "If I could say one thing to my parents what would it be..." Seeing as I have said a lot to them I decided to answer, "I just wish they'd understand." That's how I feel with my friends now. I just wish they would understand how bad it hurts to be excluded. If being excluded werent enough, I also get harassed because "I never hang out any more." Hmmm...when was the last time I said no I dont want to hang out? Its been quite a while. I hang out any time Im invited somewhere usually. Oh but see when was the last time I was actually invited to do something? hmm...yeah. Its been quite a while. I get ridiculed for going to hang out with "my Sacramento friends" but not being down to spend time with "my Lodi friends." I have an answer for that too....uh, probably because "my Sacramento friends" actually invite me to do things! Also, when Im with them in big groups I dont feel like Im left out and sitting there all alone in a group of people. Anyways, I sound bitter, maybe I am, mostly just hurt and confused though. Lonely even. Im told it seems I have a lot on my mind and that its not healthy for my to hold it all in like that. Im sure that it probably isnt healthy but I also dont believe in speaking when Im still upset by something because I know myself and I know it will come out a lot harsher than neccessary. Hurt people hurt people. I want to build people up, not tear them down with my words and I know I am very capable of doing some major damage with words alone. So I continue to be isolated. Oh well...God is still good...moving on...

"It is not the multitude of hard duties, it is not constraint and contention that advance us in our Christian course. On the contrary, it is the yielding of our wills without restriction and without choice, to tread cheerfully every day in the path in which Providence leads us, to seek nothing, to be discouraged by nothing, to seek out duty in the present moment, to trust all else without reserve to the will and power of God."

A quote I found. I dont know who said it. At first I kind of skimmed over it. Then I saw it again on another website. "...to be discouraged by nothing..." that part stands out to me. I want to strive to tread cheerfully everyday in the path God leads me, to seek nothing and to be discouraged by nothing. Joy was once so strongly ingrained in me. The joy of the Lord will be your strength. Its even tattooed on me. Joy. I think I may have allowed life to zap me of my joy. I remember people always commenting on "why are you always smiling" people used to get mad at me for smiling so much believe it or not, they thought I was up to no good or something I dont know. I pray that my joy would be restored and that nothing would be able to discourage me. That's probably half my problem. Im allowing the decisions choice and actions of my friends, mere humans, discourage me. I serve a good God!!!! What the crap is my problem?! Why do I have anything to be discouraged about for my God is for me and not against me!

Its a constant battle, my spirit with my flesh. Theyre always yelling at each other in my head. Constant war, its exhuasting but yet I cannot give in, I cannot yield or slow down I must fight every day every hour! I am on the winning side. I will be victorious! I just hope theres not too many casualties along the way!

I want to start writing more again. Maybe 1500 words a week. Thats a very realistic goal for now. Just the process of writing makes some of the stale stagnant creative juices start flowing again. I want to start writing dramas for the youth to perform. They can and will dramatically impact lifes through drama. I know they can, Ive seen them do it before and I believe in them. Now, if I could just believe in myself and in my God, the ultimate Creator, who lives in me we'd be changing the world one skit at a time! Little old Lodi, who woulda thought something good could come out of Lodi...thats like something good coming outta Nazareth. Oh wait...

I dont know why he's been on my heart so strongly!!! I fought to stay awake late Wednesday night to pray for him, my last concious minutes were spent praying for him. I may have even fallen asleep mid prayer. Thursday morning as I awoke, even before I was out of bed I was praying for him. Today I was praying for him and still hes on my heart. I dont know why hes on my heart so heavily but I pray that God continues to give me this kind of compassion burden and passion to see the lives of my youth change as they surrender to Him. I hope to see him back again on Wednesday, I would LOVE to see him there on Sunday even!

I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND! 

I was reading a preview of this book online today and it was talking about how God's call always seems to be in your face constantly reminding you what you need to do. Its funny because I hear Thailand all the time, every where I turn. Theres a special on TV bout it. There is an ad on the side of my myspace page advertising I can call Thailand for cheap. The characters from a favorite TV show take a trip to Thailand. Random people at the table next to me in a restaurant are talking about Thailand. I defininitely know that I am called to Thailand and I know I will be there, all in due time though. I just would really love to be there right now!

Well, I'd probably continue to write except the battery in my laptop is about to die soon.