I Will Not Quit

I will not quit

I will not be moved

I’m a blood washed born-again Child of God

I refuse to lose

I am unshakeable

I’m a threat to the devil

I’m a Holy Ghost Baptized Powerhouse

Full of signs and wonders and miracles

Everything I set my hand to do is blessed.

Walk A Lil' Straighter Daddy

I remember looking up to him,

And I remember most of the time he wasn't there.

I'd be waiting at the door, when he got home at night,

He'd pass me by to go pass out in his chair.

And I'd sing...

Walk a little straighter daddy, you're swaying side to side.

Your foot steps make me dizzy and no matter how I try,

I keep tripping and stumbing, if you'd look down here you'd see

Walk a little straighter daddy, your leading me.

He stumbled into the gym on graduation day,

And I couldn't help but feel so ashamed.

And I wasn't surprised a bit when he didn't stay,

He stumbled out before they called my name,

and I thought...

Walk a little straighter daddy, you're swaying side to side.

It's not just me whose watching, you've caught everybody's eye.

And you're tripping and stumbling and even though I've turned 18,

Walk a little straighter daddy, you're still leading me.

The old man's still like he always was, but I love him anyway.

If I've learned one thing from him its my kids will never have to sing...

Walk a little straighter daddy, you're swaying side to side.

Your foot steps make me dizzy, and no matter how I try,

I keep tripping and stumbling, if you'd look down here you'd see.

Walk a little straighter daddy, you're leading me.

Yeah, walk a little straighter daddy, you're leading me.

A Camel's Hump

"Do not free a camel from the burden of his hump for in doing so you may be freeing him from being a camel."

What's your hump?

Missions, youth, my parents...

Imagine if we were all freed from our burden! What if the thorn in Paul's side was removed? What if the cup were passed from Jesus as He prayed in the garden!

We all have a God-given hump, a burden He has placed on our hearts and it was put there for a reason. It is what defines us and if it were removed we would lose our purpose, even possibly lose ourselves all together.

Obama Obama Obama

Lord Jesus,

I just come before you to thank you for you are a holy God. You are mighty and you reign on high! Lord, I thank you for the government you have placed over me, just as your Word says, you have put the government over us and we need to submit to it as we submit to you. Lord, I know that you have a plan for everything! Lord, I pray for president Obama and I pray first and foremost for his salvation, secondly I pray for your divine guidance as he must make decisions that will impact all of our lives. Lord, I know that this is a hard time for all of us in this economy and I pray that you will speak to president Obama as to how to handle this tough situation. Lord I pray for his protection and safe keeping. Lord I thank you for all that you have done and I trust in your complete and perfect will at a time that nothing else can be trusted, a time when nothing else is secure but still your Word remains a true and firm foundation and those who believe in it will continue to stand strong. Lord, I love you. You are so good and so worthy. Its in your precious and holy name I pray, the sweet and powerful name of Jesus.

Amen

If You Could Say One Thing...

Its been almost a month since Ive written and I still feel the same way. Nothing has changed really. Its actually been a really long time since Ive written. I need to work on that. This one is bound to be long since there's so much going on in my head right now. The other day we were all playing 20 questions and someone asked me, "If I could say one thing to my parents what would it be..." Seeing as I have said a lot to them I decided to answer, "I just wish they'd understand." That's how I feel with my friends now. I just wish they would understand how bad it hurts to be excluded. If being excluded werent enough, I also get harassed because "I never hang out any more." Hmmm...when was the last time I said no I dont want to hang out? Its been quite a while. I hang out any time Im invited somewhere usually. Oh but see when was the last time I was actually invited to do something? hmm...yeah. Its been quite a while. I get ridiculed for going to hang out with "my Sacramento friends" but not being down to spend time with "my Lodi friends." I have an answer for that too....uh, probably because "my Sacramento friends" actually invite me to do things! Also, when Im with them in big groups I dont feel like Im left out and sitting there all alone in a group of people. Anyways, I sound bitter, maybe I am, mostly just hurt and confused though. Lonely even. Im told it seems I have a lot on my mind and that its not healthy for my to hold it all in like that. Im sure that it probably isnt healthy but I also dont believe in speaking when Im still upset by something because I know myself and I know it will come out a lot harsher than neccessary. Hurt people hurt people. I want to build people up, not tear them down with my words and I know I am very capable of doing some major damage with words alone. So I continue to be isolated. Oh well...God is still good...moving on...

"It is not the multitude of hard duties, it is not constraint and contention that advance us in our Christian course. On the contrary, it is the yielding of our wills without restriction and without choice, to tread cheerfully every day in the path in which Providence leads us, to seek nothing, to be discouraged by nothing, to seek out duty in the present moment, to trust all else without reserve to the will and power of God."

A quote I found. I dont know who said it. At first I kind of skimmed over it. Then I saw it again on another website. "...to be discouraged by nothing..." that part stands out to me. I want to strive to tread cheerfully everyday in the path God leads me, to seek nothing and to be discouraged by nothing. Joy was once so strongly ingrained in me. The joy of the Lord will be your strength. Its even tattooed on me. Joy. I think I may have allowed life to zap me of my joy. I remember people always commenting on "why are you always smiling" people used to get mad at me for smiling so much believe it or not, they thought I was up to no good or something I dont know. I pray that my joy would be restored and that nothing would be able to discourage me. That's probably half my problem. Im allowing the decisions choice and actions of my friends, mere humans, discourage me. I serve a good God!!!! What the crap is my problem?! Why do I have anything to be discouraged about for my God is for me and not against me!

Its a constant battle, my spirit with my flesh. Theyre always yelling at each other in my head. Constant war, its exhuasting but yet I cannot give in, I cannot yield or slow down I must fight every day every hour! I am on the winning side. I will be victorious! I just hope theres not too many casualties along the way!

I want to start writing more again. Maybe 1500 words a week. Thats a very realistic goal for now. Just the process of writing makes some of the stale stagnant creative juices start flowing again. I want to start writing dramas for the youth to perform. They can and will dramatically impact lifes through drama. I know they can, Ive seen them do it before and I believe in them. Now, if I could just believe in myself and in my God, the ultimate Creator, who lives in me we'd be changing the world one skit at a time! Little old Lodi, who woulda thought something good could come out of Lodi...thats like something good coming outta Nazareth. Oh wait...

I dont know why he's been on my heart so strongly!!! I fought to stay awake late Wednesday night to pray for him, my last concious minutes were spent praying for him. I may have even fallen asleep mid prayer. Thursday morning as I awoke, even before I was out of bed I was praying for him. Today I was praying for him and still hes on my heart. I dont know why hes on my heart so heavily but I pray that God continues to give me this kind of compassion burden and passion to see the lives of my youth change as they surrender to Him. I hope to see him back again on Wednesday, I would LOVE to see him there on Sunday even!

I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND I WANT TO GO TO THAILAND! 

I was reading a preview of this book online today and it was talking about how God's call always seems to be in your face constantly reminding you what you need to do. Its funny because I hear Thailand all the time, every where I turn. Theres a special on TV bout it. There is an ad on the side of my myspace page advertising I can call Thailand for cheap. The characters from a favorite TV show take a trip to Thailand. Random people at the table next to me in a restaurant are talking about Thailand. I defininitely know that I am called to Thailand and I know I will be there, all in due time though. I just would really love to be there right now!

Well, I'd probably continue to write except the battery in my laptop is about to die soon.

Dangerous

Alone: separate, apart, or isolated from others

Apart: separately or individually in consideration

Ignored: to refrain from noticing or recognizing

Isolated: separated from other persons or things; alone; solitary

Lonely: solitary; without company; companionless

Rejected: To refuse to recognize or give affection to, To discard as defective or useless

Unloved:  not loved

Unwanted: not wanted

Useless: of no use; not serving the purpose or any purpose; unavailing or futile:

Worthless: without worth; of no use, importance, or value; good-for-nothing

So all of these words kind of explain how I've been feeling lately. I feel as if my friends have been pushing me away and shutting me out. I feel betrayed, I feel forgotten and I feel as if no one cares. I feel as if I've slowly (yet all too quickly) been drifting apart from my friends, especially and more specifically my Lodi friends. I understand that people (myself included) get sick, have unexpected things come up, have more important priorities, etc but it seems like every time I make plans with someone they bail out on me. The few times they dont bail out on me they get caught up talking to someone else which ruins my plans or invite someone else to tag along on the few nights where I just need and want some one-on-one time with a certain friend. Maybe its just me being too sensitive, maybe Im just reading too much into everything. Maybe its the enemy just trying to mess with me and cause division. Maybe its God's way of teaching me to depend more on Him, to learn and trust He always wants me, He's always with me, will always make time for me and loves me to no end. I dont know what's going on. I do know though that in high school I tried to live my life without friends. I had given up all hope on people and figured what the heck, who needs friends anyway, they just cause more pain. I know that didnt work out too well, yet its tempting to slip back into that again now. Im the type of person who needs to know people believe in her, I need to know that people support me. If not, I have no desire to prove them wrong, I have no motivation, if they dont care why should I? I guess my friends dont really understand all that Im going through right now anyway, so its not fair to be so hard on them. Being out of school but not being finished with school has definately taken its toll on me, I havent adjusted as well as I had hoped, it was a lot harder for me than I ever would have thought. All the changes at the church in youth group, though I do believe they are for the better, havent been very easy on me either. All the family drama going on in my life during this season has without a doubt had a negative effect on me. Sudden changes to lifestyle and living arrangments as I have a new roomate havent been the easiest either, though it has been working out so far. Work is still work, as I mentioned before I dont hate it anymore but I still wonder what Im doing, why I got put at that school and I miss the way things used to be. I wonder where God is when Im there most days. On top of all of that the enemy has been bombarding me with fear, shame, doubt, guilt and pride. Its so hard to get free, act free and live free. Its so hard to function as a normal human being with this junk weighing down so heavily on me. Its like I cant even breathe. I just dont know what to do. When Im hurt I tend to push others away so some of this isolation is even my own doing and this is when I need my friends the most. I feel like Ive desperately been trying to cling to all of my friends and none of them even notice and just shake me off and trample over me. I wonder what Im supposed to do, where to go from here, what's the next step. Lodi is home, but my heart yearns for Thailand. Lodi is home, but the friends I dont feel betrayed by are all in Sacramento (or actually woodland/williams mostly!) I still know who my bestfriend is and He is simply amazing! I still yearn to be closer to Him and want to make Him happy. Ive really been meditating on the verse that says, "draw near to Me and I will draw near to you." Lord be with me, Lord I dont want to have any hard feelings towards any of my friends. Lord I thank you for each and every one of them. Im glad that you brought them into my life, whether it is just for a reason a season or if its for life I love each and every one of them dearly. Lord help me to continue to grow strong relationships and help me to overcome the enemy. Help me establish new friendships with people who you know need to be in my life and vice versa. Lord thank you for never leaving me, thank you for not needing me but wanting me nonetheless thank you for being the perfect bestfriend. I love you Jesus! In your precious and holy name I pray, the sweet and powerful name of Jesus. Amen

Idea Stolen From A Friend

A list of 25 things I want to do before I turn 25 (in no paticular order).

1. Go to Thailand

2. Go on a vacation (missions and camps do not count)

3. Read the Bible in chronological order

4. Take another sign language class

5. Loose 20lbs (at least)

6. Write more handwritten "snail mail" letters to people

7. Write 5 poems (at least) that I actually like

8. Read an entire commentary

7. Dream more

8. Spend an entire 24 hours without any electronics

9. Spend an entire 24 hours in completely silent solitude (no music, no talking, no phone, etc)

10. Actually obtain my BA degree even though I graduated (finish my 2 stinking classes left)

11. Visit another state Ive never been to before

12. Learn to feel God's presence with me at work

13. Pray for my parents' salvation more

14. Write creatively more

15. Completely organize all of my digital pictures

16. Take more pictures

17. Do something with the pictures I take

18. Get a CD player for my car

19. Taste a food Ive never heard of yet

20. Learn to put on makeup

21. Try something Ive never done before

22. Fix my old laptop

23. Teach someone something new

24. Personally pray with 25 people (at least) to receive either salvation or their prayer language

25. Pray for the physical healing of people more

And That My Friends, Is My Life

So it's a long story but I got all day, plenty of time to kill, some anger to burn off and no where to go. Thanksgiving. How did I know? Cause I know what alcohol does to people. Absolutely changes them and never for the good. So my parents are being stubborn and impatient and cant wait 10 mins (no seriously 10mins max) for me to take them to my aunts house for Thanksgiving Dinner. I warned them that they know what happens at every holiday and they were gonna be sorry that they had an extra vehicle there to try to figure out how to get it home once they got drunk. That's their problem. They know that every year we go through this because they just expect me to be the designated driver. They also know that every year at Thanksgiving it is tradition for all the cousins to go out to a movie and I look forward to participating in that. When it came time for me to leave so I wouldnt be late for the movie my parents werent ready to go. They wanted to sit around and drink more. They have no idea how absolutely mortified I was by them and their behaviors while under the influence. Im used to my dad being hammered all the time, no matter where we go or what we do. But my mom doesnt usually get drunk when she drinks...but she was absolutely smashed. She couldnt even walk without falling down and worst of all was going around kissing everyone on my dads side of the family. Are you kidding me?!?! Oh my mercy, I swear Im adopted! Finally, I convince them to head out with me so I can make it to the movies...probably just in time for the previews to be finishing by this point. I was going to take my dads truck so that his vehicle would be home and I would sacrifice and figure out how to get my car home later. Plus it was an opportunity to take my dads truck cause I love to drive that thing, and why not use his gas in this economy? We were walking out to the truck about to get in when I realized it was a tight squeeze getting out with the cars parked in front of us and behind us. I probably could have made it, but I did not want to attempt to do so with my drunken father in the truck with me yelling at me and all worried about his stupid truck. He takes better care of that thing than he does of me, shoot he treats the stupid parrot and dog better than he treats me for that matter. So I decide that oh nevermind lets just take my car. My dad says he could talk me out of the parking spot and Id be fine, and Im sure I would be but I did not want to deal with him because I could tell he was in his mean drunk state of mind. I really dont know what happened but my parents freaked out that I wanted to take them home in my car. Its like they saw it as a personal attack or something and they snapped and started screaming and yelling at me in the middle of the street. Then one of the parents of one of the kids in my program at work walks out of his house, of course it happens to be the one Im parked in front of. Great. I love my life. He's watching the whole situation as my parents are standing in the middle of the street yelling at me. My dad gets pissed off. Go figure. And decides to try to prove a point or something, like he doesnt need me and announces that nevermind he didnt have time for this BS and that he is going to drive his truck home then. ha! You cant even see straight and you want to drive? on Thanksgiving. Thats intelligent. He demands for his keys. At first I didnt give them to him, why would I? Thats stupid. But he gets to the point where he is beyond mean and saying all sorts of things and forces me to give him the keys. I see them stagger towards the truck and start crying, scared of my parents own stupidity and the ridiculous affects alcohol has on people. I head back inside to my aunts house crying. My family sees me I explain what happened out on the street and my aunts go out to try to stop my dad from driving. My Grandma, who is my hero, my role model, my everything...comes and gives me a hug and shes shaking because shes so scared for my dad. She explains that their actions are not my fault and I did nothing wrong but then suggests at least that I follow my parents home to make sure they get home safe. So I head back outside and luckily it seems my aunts managed to get the keys from my dad. He sees me starting to walk up to them and starts screaming at me, "no, go...get out of here. You've done enough you need to get out of my life...go, just go on. etc" Ok, the dad who was never a part of my life until I was 16 now wants me back out of his life. right on. It wasnt even the words he was saying but it was the sound of pure hate in his voice and look of absolute disgust on his face that broke my heart. I hear my aunts telling him how much I do for him and I hear my mom telling him as shes crying now that hurting me isnt gonna make things any better. But apparently he doesnt care. Be little anyone and everyone just so you can finally feel high and mighty. It didnt matter. I knew my aunt was gonna drive them home and I was safe. I go back in side, shattered in a million pieces. Can we just go to the movie now? I didnt want anyone asking me if I was ok, or hugging me or telling me its not my fault...I just want to go to the movie and be left alone in the dark. My dad calls over and over again as the previews start, but my parents know I was going to the traditional thanksgiving movie with the cousins anyway so why would I answer in the theatre and especially for him at that time. He leaves a voicemail. I listened to it during the previews. He was telling me what a disappointment I am and how "dumbfounded" (his new word, dont ask, I dont know) but over and over again I here how dumbfounded he is by my actions and that its really hard to explain but I just dont know what Ive done. I still am absolutely unaware of what I did to set them off like that. Not give you your car keys? Offer to go out of my way, leave my cousins and drive you home? I really dont know. I thought some hurtful things that I would have liked to say but decided against it but you cant really hurt alcohol and God is dealing with me about saying things to my parents when Im angry. But I just deleted that voicemail and sank down in my seat, wishing he was calling to apologize but upset he was telling me what a disappointment I am and how he has no respect for me and what not. I thought the worst was over and was ready to watch the movie. Then my dad calls back and leaves a voicemail telling me that he finally convinces my mom to move in with him and that now rent and all the bills and everything were my problem and "good luck with that and have a nice life and hope everything works out for you." UGH! Whatever! Turns out the movie sucked really bad too. I really didnt like it at all. But on the bright side Anthony was working and gave me and all my cousins free tickets. He has no idea like how that one little gesture changed my night. My family was hecka humbled by that too. But even though Im upset and hurt Im alright. Like I feel proud of myself that this didnt even shake my faith. I got those voicemails and was like, "I dont know whats gonna happen God, but you do. I know youre good. My true Heavenly Father. You got everything under control and youre gonna take care of me." I aint even gonna trip off it, like it hurts but it makes me think, like to the enemy, "really, is that all you got, I'll take your best shot!" haha I love that song! God is good and faithful. With Him, I can get through anything. I love You Lord!

She Wanted To Blame The Knife

Its like the story of Barbra, Peter and Kelli. Barbra was an amazing woman, she had everything going for her but the enemy had her so blinded that she was very insecure about herself, and she didnt even realize she was insecure. She saw that two of her closest friends were getting closer, Kelli and Peter. So, Barbra (still completely unaware of what she was doing) tried to sabotage their friendship because it made her even more insecure. She managed to convince Peter to hold out a knife every time he talked to Kelli, but even Peter was unaware of what was really going on. He didnt see it as a way to harm Kelli. All 3 of them had no idea what was coming because the enemy continued to keep Barbra blinded and wrapped up in drama because he knew how unbelievably powerful she had the potential to be. So Peter and Kelli were talking one day and Peter still continued to hold the knife in his hand. He knew it was dangerous but did not think it would actually hurt anyone. Barbra saw the two of them talking and as Kelli turned away from Peter to walk away Barbra apporoached her and got her to slowly back up. She kept urging Kelli to get closer to Peter. The whole time, she saw Peter there with the knife and saw that if Kelli continued to back up she would back up right into the knife. Instead of stopping Kelli from going any further she just watched as she continued to back towards Peter, to the point that Peter accidently but eventually ended up stabbing Kelli in the back.

It wasnt Peters fault, it wasnt even Barbras fault and Kelli wanted to blame the knife, but it wasn the poor knifes fault either, it was just doing what it was supposed to do...it was only Kellis fault for not being more careful.

Proverbs 4:23 "above all else, guard your heart for it effects everyhing you do."

Kelli knew this verse, very well. In fact, it was and still is hanging on her bedroom wall.

Kelli also knew another verse proving why she needed to heed the advice of proverbs...

Matthew 12:34 "for out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks."

Its Kellis fault for not being more careful, Kelli got SERIOUSLY hurt. However, Barbra could have prevented the situation, she could have warned Kelli that Peter was holding a knife.

DISC Personality

Inspired by a friend's results...you tell me, does this sound like me? In your opinion, what part sounds the most like me?

People with my score:

~ tend to want peace and harmony.
~ prefer to let others initiate action and resolve problems.  
~ are quiet and indirect in their approach to most situations. 
~ are usually cautious and calculate risks carefully before acting.

They are generally well liked because of their mild and gentle nature.Other people will tend to see them as being patient, calm, thoughtful and a good listener.

~ are strongly interested in meeting and being with people.  
~ are generally optimistic, outgoing, and socially skilled.
~ are quick at establishing relationships.  

 

Sometimes their concern for people and people’s feelings may make them reluctant to disturb a favourable situation or relationship.

 

~ tend to enjoy change and variety in their work and non-work life.  
~ are expansive by nature and tend not to like routine and repetitive work/activities.  

 

They enjoy stretching themselves intellectually and physically.

~ are independent and uninhibited.  
~ resent rules and restrictions.  
~ prefer to be measured by results and are always willing to try the untried. 

 

Free in thought, word and deed, they long for freedom and go to great lengths to achieve it.
They feel that repetitive detail and routine work is best 'delegated'.