Alone: separate, apart, or isolated from others
Apart: separately or individually in consideration
Ignored: to refrain from noticing or recognizing
Isolated: separated from other persons or things; alone; solitary
Lonely: solitary; without company; companionless
Rejected: To refuse to recognize or give affection to, To discard as defective or useless
Unloved: not loved
Unwanted: not wanted
Useless: of no use; not serving the purpose or any purpose; unavailing or futile:
Worthless: without worth; of no use, importance, or value; good-for-nothing
So all of these words kind of explain how I've been feeling lately. I feel as if my friends have been pushing me away and shutting me out. I feel betrayed, I feel forgotten and I feel as if no one cares. I feel as if I've slowly (yet all too quickly) been drifting apart from my friends, especially and more specifically my Lodi friends. I understand that people (myself included) get sick, have unexpected things come up, have more important priorities, etc but it seems like every time I make plans with someone they bail out on me. The few times they dont bail out on me they get caught up talking to someone else which ruins my plans or invite someone else to tag along on the few nights where I just need and want some one-on-one time with a certain friend. Maybe its just me being too sensitive, maybe Im just reading too much into everything. Maybe its the enemy just trying to mess with me and cause division. Maybe its God's way of teaching me to depend more on Him, to learn and trust He always wants me, He's always with me, will always make time for me and loves me to no end. I dont know what's going on. I do know though that in high school I tried to live my life without friends. I had given up all hope on people and figured what the heck, who needs friends anyway, they just cause more pain. I know that didnt work out too well, yet its tempting to slip back into that again now. Im the type of person who needs to know people believe in her, I need to know that people support me. If not, I have no desire to prove them wrong, I have no motivation, if they dont care why should I? I guess my friends dont really understand all that Im going through right now anyway, so its not fair to be so hard on them. Being out of school but not being finished with school has definately taken its toll on me, I havent adjusted as well as I had hoped, it was a lot harder for me than I ever would have thought. All the changes at the church in youth group, though I do believe they are for the better, havent been very easy on me either. All the family drama going on in my life during this season has without a doubt had a negative effect on me. Sudden changes to lifestyle and living arrangments as I have a new roomate havent been the easiest either, though it has been working out so far. Work is still work, as I mentioned before I dont hate it anymore but I still wonder what Im doing, why I got put at that school and I miss the way things used to be. I wonder where God is when Im there most days. On top of all of that the enemy has been bombarding me with fear, shame, doubt, guilt and pride. Its so hard to get free, act free and live free. Its so hard to function as a normal human being with this junk weighing down so heavily on me. Its like I cant even breathe. I just dont know what to do. When Im hurt I tend to push others away so some of this isolation is even my own doing and this is when I need my friends the most. I feel like Ive desperately been trying to cling to all of my friends and none of them even notice and just shake me off and trample over me. I wonder what Im supposed to do, where to go from here, what's the next step. Lodi is home, but my heart yearns for Thailand. Lodi is home, but the friends I dont feel betrayed by are all in Sacramento (or actually woodland/williams mostly!) I still know who my bestfriend is and He is simply amazing! I still yearn to be closer to Him and want to make Him happy. Ive really been meditating on the verse that says, "draw near to Me and I will draw near to you." Lord be with me, Lord I dont want to have any hard feelings towards any of my friends. Lord I thank you for each and every one of them. Im glad that you brought them into my life, whether it is just for a reason a season or if its for life I love each and every one of them dearly. Lord help me to continue to grow strong relationships and help me to overcome the enemy. Help me establish new friendships with people who you know need to be in my life and vice versa. Lord thank you for never leaving me, thank you for not needing me but wanting me nonetheless thank you for being the perfect bestfriend. I love you Jesus! In your precious and holy name I pray, the sweet and powerful name of Jesus. Amen
