Bridge Over Troubled Water

So I work for the Bridge Program. I loved it when I worked through City of Lodi, most days at least. I dreaded it when I started working through Lodi Unified. Most days. Not a whole lot has changed. The Bridge Program. What a quirky little name they picked out. Linking learning with fun. ha. More like Bridge Over Troubled Water. It's not as bad as it was. Seems to be getting a little bit better. I don't hate it anymore, most days. But I don't love it either. I still don't see God's hand at work there. I still don't feel God's presence there. I still don't know why God put me there. I know He did though. Some days I feel like I'm walking across that Bridge just fine, working the program. Some days I try to walk across the bridge and work the program but it doesn't seem to be working, then I look up and notice its because my Bridge is under water. Not even the bridge OVER troubled water, more like the bridge UNDER troubled water. But I noticed that they all have weaseled their little way into my heart. I first noticed it when I realized I wasn't gonna be there for a day. Just one day, that's all. I wont be there. I will still be available by phone, and oh believe me I will be calling in to check on them. I'm so worried about them, how will they be when I'm gone. Will they all be OK, will my staff run things OK, look after them alright? I'm beginning to think that half the time that's my problem. I try to do it all on my own and it just doesn't work out very well. But why do I lose my patience with them so fast. Some things my staff does that should bug me doesn't, they don't bother me really at all. But we don't mesh too well as a team either. Some days, probably most days, that's probably the problem. This particular group has never managed to click as a team. We get along just fine, everyone does their job just fine, but when you re working with kids you have got to have a united front and quite frankly we just don't have that. I'm so quick to snap at these kids and its not OK. They have managed to soften my heart though. Maybe if they just keep working their charm I will fall in love with them and it will all make things better. I don't know. At least it hasn't been as bad as it was. Although today was our first rainy day....100 kids stuck inside 1 cafeteria with no recess and no chance to burn off all their energy...YIKES! Finally things start to cool down and then God has to really cool things down with some rain. We'll see how that goes. Tomorrow of course is Halloween. Its either going to be a nice quiet day where all the kids go home early or don't show up at all...or its gonna be a crazy day...none of the kids listening all of them loud and excited for evening. Hopefully everyone is picked up early and I can get off early. Lord, use me to touch these kids and use these kids to touch me. Help soften my heart, give me patience but please don't test my patience. It's tested enough by these kids every day. God bless me, grant me peace and joy to carry with me into the darkness on this campus. Let my light shine your love like a city on a hill. Lord I love you, the first quarter is over and the second quarter is flying by. Time is going so fast and I don't want to feel like this year was a waste. I want to see lives changed this year, including my own. Help me with my attitude to set a good example for them. Lord I love you, help these kids to get to know You through me. Thank you Lord You are so good and so worthy. You are Holy my sweet Jesus. In your precious and powerful name I pray. Amen

Empty handed but alive in Your hands

Dear Lord Jesus,

I don't even know where to begin Lord. I'm gonna just start by praising You. Thank you for everything Lord. For bringing me here to this camp, for the friends that surround me, for the air I breathe, for my next breath. God you are amazing. God speak to me I sang and prayed. Speak to me. Then I began to magnify Your name. No other name, the name above all names, a strong and mighty tower, a shelter like no other. Your name. JESUS! And you reminded me of the same verse that Sofia gave me earlier today, one that you have obviously been trying to minister to me with for a while now. I'm sorry that I brushed it off when she gave it to me Lord. I looked it up, I smiled, I was thankful, but I didn't get it. You spoke it to me and it was all I needed to hear. Philippians 1:6 "And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." God you will. You WILL. Not you want to, but may not get around to it, you WILL. It is Your will to finish that work in me. Lord thank you, thank you for breaking me at that point. Then God as I heard and saw the altar call being given for those wanting to be baptized with the Holy Spirit and receive their prayer language, the sobbing began when I saw Serena go up there. That's my team, that's my left arm, that's my sister and I was so proud of her Lord. I was so happy for her, cause though she had just walked up I knew she was going to receive it. God I thought, "do you know what this going to mean for our ministry that we just started together?!" Do you know?! Do I know?! This is what she needs, this what I need, this is what we need, this is what Uturn needs! The power that comes from your Holy Spirit and now everyone of the 3-(wo)man team has had that encounter with you. My Lord, thank you Jesus! Then I began to sob when I saw Beckie go up there. I was shocked but so proud and so happy as well. I knew at that point, without a shadow of a doubt, that last night's conversation was in preparation for tonight...all around, all across the board. That conversation may have seemed to just flow naturally as we chit chatted but I know it was God breathed, God inspired, God appointed. That's just it Lord, as Christians it should be natural to work in the supernatural. It doesn't need to be weird or spooky.Then God I saw Jerrica go up there and Erin. Lord thank you! I don't think I've ever cried that hard in my life. I didn't know people actually can run out of tears until it happened to me tonight and then I still continued to bawl and weep, completely out of tears. I knew we would be talking about promises tonight and I couldn't really think of any that were given to me at a specific time for a specific purpose. I thought, man I am the facilitator of the group, how am I supposed to talk to them about promises if I don't even have any. Then God forgive me as I was tempted to begin to make excuses and whine about how hard it has been to live my life and continue to persevere without a promise to hold on to and to give me hope, encouragement and strength. But it really hasn't been that hard, you are my everything and the Bible is filled with promise and hope and strength and encouragement. But then God I started singing, "stir it up in my heart Lord...a passion that this world cannot contain" I was still sobbing so uncontrollably, doubled over even because I was crying so hard. God you know that I came here for clarification on a few certain things. I'm still not 100% sure you have given me clarity on those things but God you spoke to me tonight, and God last night you gave me such a peace about these things that clarity almost seems unnecessary. God my promise is that you WILL finish the work inside of me. Then when Dottie came over and stood with me I knew I was about to collapse in a heap if she wasn't securely holding me up. She started speaking into my life. God I love Dottie. Shes such an inspiration. She reminds me of me and I want to be able to pick myself up the way she has if I ever get to a point like that in my life. God she started speaking about my passion. She said that I will never loose it. That I still have it. It will always be in me. She told me that I have never failed you. I feel like I have, time and time again I feel like I have. Over and over again. I'm a mess. I'm sorry Lord, forgive me. Then God she started to speak about the desires of my heart. She said that you knew all of my desires, all of my hopes, all of my dreams and she said I will see all of them come to pass. She told me, "hold on to that promise." I don't know if that was confirmation for everything I was praying last night, I don't know if that was clarity but God I know that you WILL. You WILL Lord! Thank you Jesus! Don't I know that you are a good God and you know every part of me and that you will give me the desires of my heart - those desires that you placed there for a reason. God speak to me. The weekend isn't over. Speak real loud and real clear to me about this one. Lord speak to me. God then I began to cry yet again as we started singing... "empty handed but alive in Your hands" God I am certainly empty handed. I have absolutely nothing to offer, nothing to bring to the table. I am worthless and unworthy. But Lord your blood, there is power in your blood. It washes me white as snow. I am empty handed but alive in your hands. That's all that matters. Lord I am amazed by your goodness and grace. The events that took place after all of this happened I will always be grateful for. Lord things that I don't dare to even mention. You know though my God. Thank you. Lord walls were broken, chains were broken, bondage was released and there was freedom. Thank you. I thank you for putting me in this black hole, little ol' Lodi. Lord you know how bad I wanted out at times but I know that you put me here for a reason and I don't even understand why you chose to bless me this much, why do I get to experience Lodi and these wonderful people? Lord thank you. You are so good and you are so worthy. It is in your precious and holy name that I pray, the sweet and powerful name of Jesus. JESUS! Amen

I Wanna Do This Right...

I wanna do this right this time God. Im tired of messing up. Lord thank you for using me even though I am a screw up. God I wanna do this right this time. Lord help me to do it right this time. Lord forgive me for all of my mistakes. Lord continue to teach me through my mistakes and please continue to love me without reason. It is only your love and your grace that gets me through these things. Lord I wanna do this right, Im ready for a change and yet dont know how to change. Im ready for a change and yet scared to change. Im ready for a change and yet dont want to change. God change me. Lord I want to do it right this time. God Im scared to death yet Im so ready for it. I know you do not give us a spirit of fear so that fear is coming from some where for some reason. But I dont really notice it most of the time. It is only when I am truly honest with you and with myself that I realize oh man Lord Im terrified but excited to see what youre gonna do with this. Lord I want to do this right, help me to do it right this time. God speak to me, now and at a camp and when we come home. Be real loud and real clear with me on this matter. You know how dense I am Lord. God I need you in my life more and more and I want you in my life more and more. More this minute than even 30 seconds ago my Jesus. Lord how much have I ruined by all of my mistakes? God Im not sure I want an answer to that, just help me to get on the right track and stay there for good. You know me Lord, you know my heart. You know that over the past couple of weeks Ive prayed more than ever before about this. Lord I have a hard time thinking about anything else. Lord I need clarity because my Lord I do not want to mess this up. I wanna do it right this time! Im tired of beating my head against a brick wall over and over again, Im tired of making the same mistakes and learning the same lessons over and over again. satan you have no power over me, I will not fear for my future is decided, you have no hold over me for I am washed in the blood of Jesus, you will not defeat me, victory has been promised, get behind me satan because quite frankly you suck!