Ministry or Marriage?

So I went to Santa Cruz the other weekend with a random, and I do mean RANDOM, group of friends...or people or something. And I was told something that really hit me hard. I don't know if it was supposed to be a compliment or an insult or just a statement but I took it as an insult. I did not like people making the statement that they did based on observations and things they've seen in my life. The person made a comment about how I seem to be thinking about marriage a lot. He said he has heard me talk about it quite a few times. Well, I suppose that's true. I do think about marriage, just like any other girl. But I don't want statements like that made about me. Id rather hear things like, "man, she's madly in love with her perfect Bridegroom!" Honestly, I think more about Him and my life in Him than about any thing else or any other portion of my life. If that's not coming across in my words and my actions and my lifestyle then maybe I'm doing something wrong. I don't know, that statement just really hit me hard. I don't even think it was intended to do so but it really made me start to think about things, yes marriage included. But I was sharing with my other half, Sofia, something that Ive thought about (more than once) but have never shared with anyone. I'm almost a little apprehensive about even writing it here but I doubt anyone other than Iris actually reads this blog anyway, and shes my online therapist so I'm not worried about her finding out about feelings, thoughts and emotions that run deep. But Ive heard my pastor talk about marriage and Ive seen quite a few newlyweds and their involvement in the church. He has said that hes not sure he would ever put a newlywed into ministry because their heads are in the clouds and they should be focusing on trying to make sure that they establish a good foundation in their marriage before they start working on ministry. So then I think about my life. The passion of my life is my youth. They are probably who I pray for the most, more than myself even. I day dream about youth ministry and think about them all the time! I love what I do. At first when I heard Jack talking about how much he loves what he does I thought yeah I do too but I don't go around talking about it like he does...but then I realized...no I really really really do love what I do, really. Its by no means easy but I love it. What happens if I find a guy, and want to settle down with him and eventually marry him? How will that effect my ministry? Will I have to step away for the first year of marriage? Or does pastor just mean he wont start someone in ministry that's a newlywed, but for me its different since I'm already involved in ministry? Of course all these digging deeper nights where we have been talking about relationships with married couples as guest speakers hasn't helped much either. But I'm terrified of getting married though I want to get married. I just realized this. I'm not scared of commitment or hard work or intimacy or anything of that sort, but I'm scared of how it will define me. Will I still be just as passionate about youth ministry? Will I relearn how to be a youth pastor who is married? Will I set a good example for my youth as I'm courting the man of my dreams? Will I get to spend as much time with my kids if I'm married? Probably wont be having too many late nights at In N Out anymore. It will more than likely change everything I know about ministering. Lord, I know you did not give me a Spirit of fear and Lord you know the desires of my heart. Maybe all these new changes in the youth are just one step closer to you easing me into a new season in my life...marriage? hmm. Lord, speak to me. Speak to him, wherever he is. Make sure that He has a passion to serve you and see others come to know you as I do. God change my life, molding it delicately in a manner that only you can do. Erase my fears and help develop me into a better minister and yet also someone worth marrying. God I love you, thank you for being my perfect Bridegroom. Thank you for always loving me and protecting me. My sweet sweet Jesus I love you. In your precious and holy name I pray. Amen

Go back and walk!

Bathroom run! Walk! Jasmin go back and walk! Noah go back and walk! Faith go back and walk! Walk, Alex! Please walk 2nd graders. I cant count how many times I say walk everyday! These kids run from point A to point B. But yet they don't want to run a mile when we ask them to. When we tell them to go back and walk they run back to their starting point and the start walking...do you really not get it?! Man, these kids! I get so annoyed of reminding kids to walk sometimes. Sometimes I just wanna say screw it. Let them run, let the kids be kids by golly! But I know the one time I don't remind them to walk will be the one time they fall and crack their head open. They are so hyped up sometimes that I would love to have them run off all their energy. They think they're so sly when they skip or hop. "I'm not running," they tell me. "Yeah, but you're not walking either and that's what I'm asking you to do." But I wonder to myself, why do we suppress their childlike behaviors? Kids grow up too fast as it is. If that's the only thing they are getting yelled at about then they are good kids and there is no need for us to constantly be yelling at them. If being yelled at to walk is the least of their worries then they probably hear enough yelling at home and need a break from it at school. Then I wish I had half the energy they did. I can barely muster up enough strength and energy to walk across the room sometimes let alone to run across the playground. Imagine the things I could do and accomplish if I had their energy. Why is youth wasted on the young? ha! Look at me, becoming a granny all of a sudden. Then I think about all the things I rushed through in life. Things that I should have stopped, or slowed down at least to really drink it all in. What have I missed because I was too busy rushing from here to there. Or even more heartbreaking, who have I missed by rushing to and fro. If I would slow down in life would I be more effective? Is that why we yell at the kids all the time to slow down? So they can be more effective. I doubt it. Effective in what? So they can be more effective at driving me insane? They got that down pretty good as it is. God help me to be childlike in my faith again, to be eager to get to the next place. Lord give me the energy to serve You more, glorify You more, to advance Your Kingdom Lord. But my God please help me to slow down and notice the things You are trying to show me. Help me to not miss anyone that is desperate for You and that is crying out for attention. Lord, change me and make me more like You. I need Thee every hour Lord, I love You, more and more each day!

Two Worlds Colide

Mychelle vs. Shelly. It seems there has always been a battle between my Sacramento life and my Lodi life. The two haven't ever really met in the whole 4 years Ive juggled between the two. That is until now. Even though Ricky and Carlos live in Sac, they are part of my Lodi life. They know Shelly. I met them in Lodi. But they do live in Sac, so they kinda get the best of both worlds. It seemed a little surreal when they met Jack and Sofia. Jack and Sofia are definitely part of my Sac life, they've only been a part of Lodi once or twice. But it was cool, just seemed a lil weird, but nevertheless really cool that we could all hang and kick it. The two worlds together at last! And get this! They get along! haha, who knew?! Mychelle and Shelly can be civil to each other! But then Sofia came to Lodi and met the crew. Katy and Serena kicked it with Sofia. Sofia likes them. Carlos and Ricky were there. Everyone is together and they all clicked real well together. It wasn't Lodi vs Sac...it was the body of Christ, becoming one.  No one probably even understands how I feel, they all live in one world. They haven't ever had to learn how to juggle two worlds. But it is a very surreal feeling when the two collide. Its exciting though. It'd be nice to kick it with all of them, not to have to decide which crowd I wanna hang out with. They all have met and hung out. Hopefully we can all kick it more often, hopefully this will all work out and I will finally find my place in one world. Jack, Sofia, Ricky, Carlos, Serena, Katy...now all that's missing is Iris. If we could get her in the mix, it'd be great! And I think to myself, yes, what a wonderful world.......Lord thank you for blessing me with amazing friends. Lord thank you for bringing people into my life that can each have a personal relationship with me but yet can still all get along. Lord thank you for making me adaptable. I know without a doubt not many people could live the two lives that I lived for 4 years. Thank you for bringing them together and helping me to feel as if there is some unity to my worlds and thus my life. Lord just thank you, thank you for everything. God you are amazing. You are so good and you have always been the best friend. God I love you more than ever before! You never cesase to amaze me and inspire me. I love you my precious Jesus my bestfriend.

September 11

I was woken up by a text message this morning and for any of you who know how obnoxious my text message alert noise is I'm sure you feel my pain. I didn't go to sleep til after 2am and I didn't get much rest, tossed and turned all night. Had a crazy dream, and my thoughts wandered in my sleepy stupor. It was 6 something in the morning and I hear message, Message, MESSAGE, MEEESSSSAAAAGGGEEEE!!!! Stupid phone. Who is texting me this early in the morning. I check it, mostly just to make it shutup and its one of the usual culprits. I was a little upset when it was just asking, "Where were you about this time 7 years ago?" Man! Wait til I'm awake to ask me questions like that. But then I saw it said something about in remembrance of those lost...and I realized...man. September 11. Stupid girl, being all negative. 7 years ago I'm sure people all across the country were woken up. I'm sure that there are people that would love to be woken up early in the morning by someone they lost in that tragedy! But then I started thinking bout work...go figure...I never get away from the place. But I started thinking bout lil Juliana and kindergartner Giovanni. Even Faith, bless her heart! Man, all those kids weren't even alive when it happened. Even my 6th graders, Tanner, Taylor, Maria, Marisol, Christian...I wonder if they even remember it. They were really young when it happened. They may not have any memory of it at all. Or if they do it may be very vague. Probably how I remember the Earthquake in 1989. I was too young to care. I didn't realize the ramifications it would have. Man, I feel old. None of these kids can answer the question, what were you doing September 11 2001. I can tell you in detail what I did, who I was with, where I was...I can even tell you what the weather was like that day. Gloomy, rainy. Almost like the sky was mourning. Man, do we have a responsibility to pass this along. To share with these kids...It was only 7 years ago, what happens when it was 70 years ago? What were you doing when you found out about the attack on our country 7 years ago? Share with someone today! Lord thank you for always gently reminding me that life is not about me. Its not about how much sleep I get and I will survive as long as you continue to give me strength even when Im tired. God thank you for keeping me safe 7 years ago and Lord I pray for those that lost loved ones. Lord bring healing into their lives help them to pick up the shattered pieces of their lives and move on. Help them to see your hand at work through their lives whether they know you or not. God I pray that you would bless America! Lord thank you for placing me in this country. Lord I love you and in your precious and holy name I pray. Amen

Naked Fruit

Its time to get back to the basics. Yes, I graduated from Bible College and I do probably have a lot of knowledge from there. I'm still working on the wisdom part though. But honestly, who cares about that. Do people really care that I know the difference between Homiletics and Hermeneutics? Non-believers sure as heck don't care, and most Christians probably couldn't give a rip either. Am I going to have to explain the difference between pre-millennial, post-millennial, and a-millennial views before I am allowed into Heaven? No, Jesus don't care so neither do I! I'm not trying to say that education isn't important. Believe me if I thought that I woulda dropped out a long time ago! But it isn't the most important. I can read out of a book that Christians should lay hands on the sick and pray for them, I can even read true-life stories about people who have seen miracles performed this way. But who cares if I have never actually layed hands on someone, prayed for them and seen them healed?! It means nothing. This little nugget of truth came to me a week or two ago after talking with Erin about how we know we are going to Heaven. Well, we get into Heaven by being saved. Well, how do we know we are saved? We know by being filled with the Holy Spirit, because God isn't going to put His Spirit in someone who isn't willing. So then how do we know we have been filled with the Holy Spirit? Is it because we fell on the ground one time and speak in tongues? No. Can you be filled with the Holy Spirit and not speak in tongues? Absolutely. So then how do you know? The fruit of the Spirit! That's when I first became interested again in the fruit of the Spirit. I thought nothing more of it after that, until now that is. But really, the fruit of the Spirit. Its time to get back to the basics. No one cares about the proper apologetic approach for each cultural group. I may know the definition to words such as Soteriological and Pneumatology, but who cares! It doesn't matter! Not many people even really care about what the text said in its original Hebrew or Greek. Maybe a few dedicated Christians, but definitely not any non-believers. But you know what people do care about, both Christians and non-Christians alike? The fruit of the Spirit! Who doesn't care about Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-control? No one, because everyone cares about that stuff! Its time to get back to the basics. The naked fruit. What can you do in life if you are not producing sweet fruit for your precious Lord Jesus? Not much. Are you even Christian if you are not producing any type of fruit? Hmm. That's a question to ponder. Anyways, I am going to dedicate this season to digging deeper into the fruit of the Spirit.I'm going to unpeel it! Not just skim over Galatians chapter 5, but to really examine it and determine what really matters and how it can change my life. It is the Word of God after all, I do expect it to change my life. I don't know what its going to look like after I'm done studying it. I don't know what I'm going to look like after I'm done. But I hope I produce more fruit. I'm really excited to see what I learn about peace. To rest in God. To rest in God at all times, even during times of labor. To rest in God even (gasp) at work! Wow, there's a thought! Lord, help me to rest in You! To trust in You more! To be content at work knowing that You are at work in my life all the time. In those kids' lives! Help them to see You in me. Help my co-workers see this peace I find in You and to yearn for it too. Help me to be a witness to them! Lord, show me what you want me to learn as I begin to study the fruit of the Spirit. Help me grow into the person you want me to be! Lord I love You and I want my life to produce fruit that glorifies You! Shape me, Lord! Lets get back to the basics. The fruit of the Spirit!

Change

I remember the first time I rearranged my room. I remember my parents were supposed to be gone for most of the night and they left me and my friend there alone. Once they left, she and I started moving my dresser and my nightstand. I had a huge queen size water bed so we couldn't really move that. We took all the drawers out of the dresser and night stand because they were too heavy to move otherwise. They were all stacked and piled on my bed. The shelves with all of the cat figurines would have been covered by the new placement of my dresser so they were all off the wall and awaiting their new location. It was a mess. You couldn't get in or out cause there was stuff everywhere. My parents came back because they forgot something. My dad came barging into my room but he couldn't even open the door all the way. He stuck his head in and saw the mess. I saw the look on his face and I was glad it was him that came in and not my mom. I knew my neat freak mom would have had a heart attack if she saw that mess. But I knew I was in big trouble because I knew what my dad would tell my mom as soon as he got back in the car and they left again. And I get my tendency to exaggerate from my dad, so hard telling how much more he exaggerated what a mess was in that room. As he left I looked at my friend and expressed with urgency that we had to finish before my parents returned. We would not even be stopping to order pizza with the money my mom left until this room was done and completely spotless. Eventually, we finished. The room was spotless and we could finally sit down, get out of the hot room, relax and enjoy the rest of the night. I was pleased with the results. It was then, at that exact moment, as I took a step back to look at my new room and admire our work, that I realized something big. I realized that change isn't so bad. Why had my room been exactly the same for so long? I loved it now! Still the same room, the same stuff, but different. As an only child I sat around with the adults quite a bit. I heard a lot about change, how grown ups seemed to be afraid of it and not like it. But I decided that night that I liked change. I welcomed change from that night on. And I still do like change. I like surprises. I pride myself in the fact that I tend to be pretty adaptable. My room has never ever stayed the same for more than a year, I often change either the bedspread, patterns, colors, layout, furniture...anything! But in all honesty, who cares about all that. It doesn't matter. Its not a soteriological issue, and really only heart issues and the rest of eternity matter. But here I am, standing at a cross roads in my life. Change is all around me. I'm out of school, I'm starting a new job. Things are changing at church. My relationship with my family is changing. New friends are coming into my life, some old friends are coming back into my life. Some friends have left my life. I'm trying to stand firm on the Rock of my Salvation in the midst of this storm. But I feel as if I'm loosing my footing. I'm overwhelmed. I want nothing more than to just go home and crawl into bed at the end of the day. I don't want to go hang out with people, I want to pull my favorite blankets over my head, I want to sit in my familiar room, which btw has NOT been rearranged lately, and just melt. But then again I want to go out and get my mind off of things. But still, I crave something comfortable, something stable. But things are changing all around me, and its not necessarily a bad thing. It could be for the best. How adaptable am I really gonna be? Am I really welcoming all this change? No. I'm terrified. I'm scared to death. But yet God did not give me a spirit of fear. God is with me through it all. And as every foursquare church reminds me, Jesus Christ is the same yesterday today and forever. Finally something that is not changing. That will be with me through all of this change. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for whispering confidence to me in the midst of uncertainty. I know that if my entire life changes, you still love me. I love you Jesus. Hold me tight through this storm. Let me know you are with me and will protect me from the fierce storm. Help me to change. Help me to bend and flex, not break, in the wind. You give me strength Jesus. I can not do this, or anything without you. You give me boldness. You give me...me! because you give of your holy self to me, wholly, and completely. Thank you Lord, I love you!

Work

I seriously wonder if I made the right decision. When I worked for the bridge program through city of Lodi I didnt really mind going to work most days. Now working for the bridge program through LUSD I dread going to work most days. I wonder if changing over was the right decision. I prayed that God would only open the doors He wanted me to go through. It seemed like this was completely God. He was providing more money through this job, which I would need to start paying off loans from Bible College. It offered insurance, which I needed so desperately. But I really dont like my job all that much anymore. I havent fallen in love with these kids at all. None of 'em really. I loved all the kids at Nichols. I loved all the little brats at Reese. Even though I hated Beckman I still fell in love with a few of the kids. But here at Borchardt...none of em really. Maybe I need to just give it some more time. I dont know. Ugh! It seems like it has been "one of those days" every day ever since I started this job. Is the money worth it is a question that comes to mind. I guess only time will tell. My devotional this morning talked about learning to focus on God in hard times. My random "daily reminder from God" on my home page also talked about focusing on God in hard times. Maybe I need to take a hint. God help me to focus on You in the midst of the chaos that happens at work. I will stay there as long as you want me to. Help me to not get so stressed out about things. Help me to remember You are still God, still good and still on the throne. No matter what, you are with me. Thank you Lord! I love you!

Freeway

So Ive seen it in movies. I didn't think it actually happened in real life though until today. I was entering my 6th hour of being in the car on my way home from Reno. Usually its a 3 hour drive but I guess because of the 3 day weekend, the Rib cook off and burning man all in Reno the same weekend I happen to be there everyone else was trying to get home as well. Traffic was horrible. We left Reno no later than 12:45 and about 5:30 I was stoked to finally see Madison Avenue. I dreaded that place for 4 whole years and now it sure was a sight for sore eyes! I looked over at Ciarra to express my eagerness to be home, but she was sleeping. So there I was passing Antelope and Greenback and finally Madison alone with my excitement. I sat up a little straighter in my seat and turned up the music. Even started dancing a little as I sang along. I would be home in less than an hour and I knew this drive well. I expected to hit a little bit of traffic around Cal Expo with the state fair going on but Ive dealt with it plenty of times before, its usually not too bad and it clears up as soon as I pass the Cal Expo exit. Boy did we hit traffic! I saw the Cal Expo exit come and go and got a little worried when the traffic seemed to get worse. The stop and go traffic had come and gone. There was no going. We were at a dead stop and hadn't moved an inch for at least 15mins before I turned off my engine. People were getting out of their cars and walking around, stretching and trying to figure out what was going on. Me and Ciarra got comfortable and busted out the cheez-its. The guy in the car next to us offered $20 bucks for them haha. There was a church group that got out of a van and started doing a drama right there in the middle of the freeway. White masks and all. There were kids walking on the wall that separates the different directions. There were motorcycle cops riding on the shoulder and then another one going the wrong direction between traffic. Are you serious right now? We are really gonna party on the freeway. Bumping music and all? Ugh! I just wanna get home. A helicopter is flying overhead dropping water on us, so it feels kinda like its raining a little bit. Finally we all start moving again and as we drive a little further we start coughing and choking on all the smoke. Its so thick I cant see my aunts car in front of me. I look over and the ground along the side of the freeway is charred and there are still flames interspersed randomly. Wow. only me. Only my life. Honestly, you can either cry or laugh. Laughing is more fun though. But this gives the perfect example of my mixed emotions of Sacramento. I was so excited to see it on the way home, thinking I had arrived. Yet I was in for a rude awakening. I felt alone in my excitement. Just as I did when I moved to Sacramento and knew nobody. I was so excited to see the campus, thinking I had arrived as a Christian...about to enroll in Bible College. Man, was I in for a rude awakening my first quarter Fall 2004. I quickly realized how much I hated Sacramento and just wanted to get out of there. I appreciate Lodi more and more everyday. Both on the freeway today and throughout the past 4yrs as things got rough. I have a love-hate relationship with Sacramento and today, driving home from Reno was the icing on the cake! Anyways, 8 hours later I am finally home safe and sound! Good looking out God! I appreciate what You're doing for me. I love You, Lord!